Jasmine

My God Constantly With Me

2011-08-07T15:40:00.003+08:00

I think it is amazing what God does to me. Even if I feel different, I know that He has changed me forever. I am thankful that the change in me is evident in my responses. To be able to love someone who has hurt me, to not be vengeful, to always be sympathetic. I recall a friend telling me that I am too kind. I would rather not cause hurt. This is how I am changed. It's okay to throw things at me, because I can take it.

Love

2011-04-20T01:48:00.002+08:00

I thank God that I am stable and rooted in Him, so I have the ability to love the people around me. I have reached a point where I feel comfortable, I have an understanding with God. So I thank God that I am here today, so that I can be a comfort to my friends. That I can be there for them, just as You are always here for me Lord. And you remind me, that You have not forsaken anyone, so I will not. I will love, and I can, because you first loved me. Your grace and mercy is abundant in my everyday. And your love is something I will never be able to comprehend. But you have taught me to love, to put others before myself. I know that I am never truly alone, because You are always here for me Lord Jesus. I am so thankful.

Reflection (in a long time)

2011-04-16T02:08:00.003+08:00

1) So I had a conversation with God today. I realised that first of all, I am my Father's daughter, over everything else, over who I am, over what I've done. I always felt like I had to to do something for God, but I know that I can never be enough. So that felt a like a burden. But my Father says, that love is never burdensome, if I have been feeling that, then it is not from Him. Praise God!

2) I thank God that He loves my friends just as much as He loves me. That God loves everyone of us the same, despite all the different things we have done, or are doing. Because Jesus died for ALL of us. He died for us the same. Everyone is loved.

3) Exams are coming. I put my trust in Him. Just as I did for my driving test and everything before. He has never let me down.

4) Re-reading my old posts, I sometimes feel that the me today, is not as clear headed as before. I mentioned this before, I only post when I've thought of something. Nowadays, I am occupied with surfing the internet. That is a brain dead job. No thinking=no posts. This one is a reflection, which is a kind of thought, however the new material I present here is not a product of my pondering and thus, I justify that this is a reflection.

5) I don't know how many people will read this, but it doesn't matter because I'm posting for me. But I am curious...

Thank You Lord! Each new day gifted to me, you paid for with your life. Thank You for redemption, and for Your love for me that is too much to contain in my heart.

The Godly Update

2011-02-24T19:04:00.005+08:00

I have so much to say, I don't know where to start. But let me try...

It's been a while. Everyday brings me closer to my exams in May. I'm sitting for my mocks now and it's not been easy. I'm feeling fear and paranoia. A lot of "what ifs", afraid that I'll forget what I'm supposed to remember. It feels different than before. Before I was confident, now I'm just trying my best and praying everyday. And I'm not going to think of failing, because even thinking of it is a kind of confirmation.

Walking with God has not been easy. You know the funny thing is, it's so easy to accept Him, but later you find out that you have a purpose in life, and you have to carry out that mission. It's not a bad thing, but it's hard, and we all know we tend to back away from the difficult things in life. Of course, nothing can stand against us, but sometimes I forget that and I let fear creep in. But I'm going to continue praying. That is my resistance, that is my strength. I should be feeling burdened, but I'm smiling as I type this. THIS, is the grace of God. Living my life for Him also means that I have to embrace things that I didn't like before. It's amazing how God can change a person. I'm proud to say that He's my Father. I am always reminded to love the people around me, even those whom I dislike or find strange. Believe me, it's awkward. I don't know how to do it, I don't know what to do, but God is good. He takes over. He is in control. Now I don't reject people. Now I try to put myself into their shoes, find out what's wrong, and if they need help. Maybe you don't understand, I feel inclined to do so. If my God has not yet rejected or judged anyone, how can I then reject anyone and cast the first stone?

So God is good. Even in a period of dryness, when I feel less of Him, when I feel tired, I know that I can call on Him to save me. Seeing people around me grow up, I begin to encounter more adult issues. It's funny how you go from talking about the childish things to relationships with the same group of friends from school. I really am growing up too fast. Did I ever mention? That my dream is to be Peter Pan?

So growing up physically, and in Christ, makes me care more about the people I disregarded when I was younger. So inevitably, my prayers get longer, and longer. Everyday, 90% of my prayers go to asking God for things, instead of praising Him for all that He has done. But He is so good, truly truly good. I've known Him my whole life, but I never ever had Him in my heart. Ever since I was a kid, I went to church, I grew up in a Catholic school where we prayed three times a day, but I never knew God as my Father. I knew Him as God the Almighty, it was never like how it is now, feeling different when I speak to Him. When I feel alone, I know He is always there for me. When giving pieces of myself to other people is so tiring, He is always there to hold me together. I always tell Him, that everything of me that I can give away, was first given to me by Him. So there is no excuse, and no tiredness, because I have an infinite and eternal source.

Sometimes you get so used to having something, you take it for granted. I pray everyday that I may wake with a grateful heart, to praise the new day, and all that He is doing for me. And I praise Him, because this entry is reminding me of how much I have changed through Christ. I am glad that I can forsake myself and let the light of Jesus shine through me.

In Every Storm, Let God Arise

2011-01-25T02:25:00.004+08:00

I'm tired. But I am never beat down.

I feel like I have been weathering storms. Each decision a battle. Trying to do the right thing. Wanting to do it, afraid of falling into a pattern of anything else. I've been put in the middle of everything, of everyone, and I have so much to do.

But this message is one of hope! God is good! I am never drained. I am depleting but I am never empty. As I take on more things, I see the results. Of all the love that I have given, God is honouring me by loving me back. Even when I am tired, I still praise God. Because I've still got somemore! I've still got enough of me to give! Because God's grace is enough, so I have more than enough to deal with everything. I can't imagine living without God. Everything that I am, everything that I have, everything is the Lord's. So I will claim victory everyday. I will pray everyday. I will love everyday. I will shelter and give myself away. Because I have you in me. Thank You Lord Jesus, for first giving me everything, that I can give away. I love You Lord.

Growth

2011-01-09T23:52:00.003+08:00

This year, God has put a word in my heart; growth.

This year will be a year of growth, and already I can see the transformation. Truly God is good. I have been keeping a journal, writing in it daily. This year is so exciting, and I just cannot wait to see what will happen next.

This year is the year I decide to do the hard things. This year I give more of myself, and embrace more of Christ, so that eventually I will lose myself, and become Christ-like instead. Everyday I find myself in situations to win or lose the battle for God. Every decision is war. I thank Jesus for being who He is, because really, it isn't easy. Everytime I feel like giving up on doing good, I remember that I cannot. Deep down inside I am convinced of the right thing. Today's phrase is "I am convicted". So I cannot escape. God has opened my eyes to so many things. He has given me much insight, even in times of sadness. He is constantly carrying me, and lifting my heart, so that at the most unexpected moment, I am refreshed again. I pray that I will tarry until in the periods of plenty, and through the dryness as well. Because if You ask me to wait, then I will wait till You come again, because You will come again.

A Dream

2010-12-30T02:42:00.014+08:00

I feel like I need to write this down to remember the moment.

Two days ago, my brother came into my room in the morning, and told me about a dream he had. He said he dreamt that I was married and that I had a little girl who looked just like me. And when he woke up, he thought that it was for real. I was still half asleep and did not give much response to him. But after I became more awake, I thought about it, and felt it was really funny. First thing to ask, who's the guy? Of course, it was a typical dream, and he did not see his face.

"But I beat him, cause he was not nice to you."

Hahaha! My little brother! I am thankful that even in his dreams, he is protective of me.

Thinking about this, I feel like it is more of a nightmare (to me). Imagine me having a little girl, who looks just like me! My gosh! How is that going to work out? It's funny and scary at the same time. Pity my brother did not see my "husband's" face, if not, I'd know who to look out for (or avoid). I am not ready for anything.

Thinking about changing diapers and doing the whole motherly thing, milk, crying, poo, mess. All these seem at conflict with my ideal lifestyle. I would like a self-sufficient, self-provident, self-entertaining, self-cleaning-up-their-own-mess baby, if I do have one. Oh I sound so selfish here! I've noticed I'm turning into one of those people who don't like babies/children. I mean they're fun to play with, but not fun to clean up after.

I am pretty much against the idea of marriage, in all it's entirety. Marriage seems like such a tiring business, looking at how things have turned out around me. Not for me. Nope! At least, not now.

p.s. I sound like a selfish creature now, but I'm sure my opinions about things will change in the future. You always end up with what you were totally against in the first place. Oops! (cross-fingers! cross-fingers!) Jie please don't claim this.

Missing Person

2010-12-27T00:51:00.002+08:00

I find that I can't live without people. I can't live without my friends. This is so different from when I thought I could be an island, all alone. Having something and taking it for granted feels so much better than not having it and yearning for it. That's how humans are. We only want things we don't have, or can't get.

Yes I'm selfish.

I try to fill up the time with other things. But it keeps bothering me that I have temporarily lost an avenue. I am so possessive.

Happens that I was just asking my Dad who he would give the house to, my sibling, or myself? I was thinking about it, and suddenly realised that if my brother got married and his wife decided to move it, I could not deal with that. I like my personal space. We do not get many visitors. I appreciate my current situation a great deal, I don't think I could invite another person to share my world with me. My home is my space, and my place of peace. My Dad said that as long as we are not married, we can still continue to live in this house. Great. But I still think that if my brother gets married, it would be a disaster for me. I had half a mind to tell my brother to never get involved in holy matrimony. That would mean a holy disaster for me. After I while, God spoke to me, and I realised that I was being selfish, that I should always love other people, and that change is really not a bad thing. Long story short, He is sovereign over everything, that includes every situation in my life. Nothing is bad for me, just a chance for me to learn and grow.

Sometimes I feel so unwilling. I feel like I've got myself into a situation that I cannot escape. God is sovereign, but sometimes I don't feel like obeying Him. However, I cannot deny His presence. He is still the Lord. He doesn't let me go, and thus He always reminds me of His presence, through little remarks. He's right beside me to give advice. I'm thankful that He does that often. I ask that He make me a better person, that I may love and obey Him. This is my fix, but I like it. I'm just unwilling to let me go, and embrace God.

Pray for me.

2010-12-17T01:04:00.002+08:00

It is a quiet evening.

I find there are different doors I can open. Each door conceals a different feeling that I get, from the things inside. It feels surreal; like a remote. I can control where I want to go. I can control if I want to feel. I can shut the door.

When I am in control, I feel vulnerable. Knowing that everything I have can be taken away from me. And would I survive then? If everything was stripped away, taken from me, then would I survive, just with You God?

If I want to be free from this capitalist world, can I be free? I set my sights on things above. When I do that, people think I'm crazy. They don't understand, but it doesn't matter to me. Why do I need new perspectives when I've already found the one I believe in. There is nothing else that matters.

If that detaches me from the world, do I lose my humanity? Then humanity is just something we are supposed to possess, from our history?

I think when I believe in God, I lose myself. Then it's alright! Everything makes sense. Great! I love working out thoughts typing. I seem to be more spontaneous than when I try to write.

Fly Away

2010-12-02T21:37:00.003+08:00

Flying, flying, flying.

Everyone's going somewhere. I'm going to miss people. I have my exams next week and after that, it's freedom! (albeit only for 3 weeks) I have cooking to do for Christmas. Very exciting! Christmas shopping. What I could do with 3 weeks! I still have to read my books during the holidays...

But I know everything's going to be alright, because the Lord is with me, and there is no obstacle that we cannot overcome together. Praise the Lord! Amen!

Till I See You Face To Face

2010-11-21T00:59:00.005+08:00

If you could feel how I feel.

I feel so alive. I feel so filled with the Holy Spirit. I feel like it's a new beginning. I feel so thankful. I feel like my heart's going to explode! I am so excited I am shaking. I am so thankful for the people in my life. I am so glad that I know You Lord. I can't imagine life without You. I feel so filled! I am so full! I am smiling and crying tears of joy! I feel like I need to line everyone up in front of me and hand them a piece of love each. I could burst.

This is a fantastic day! Such an important day! One of the most important steps I could take in my life! I was running from it for so long. I knew I had to do something, but I continued to ignore it. This is so right. I stood up and I felt so light. A burden is gone, indecisiveness is gone. God is so good! The darkness is gone! God has overcome! He is triumphant! Nothing else matters anymore! So what if it's going to be hard? I want to make Your sacrifice for me count. Bless Pastor for that sermon! Thank You Lord! This is so incoherent. But I just want to announce, I have decided to progress in my relationship with God. Thank You God, thank you Jie! I love You, and I love you.

Humans are affectable beings.

2010-11-18T23:12:00.004+08:00

Humans are affectable beings.

For anyone who thinks that they are an island and stand alone, here's news. You're arn't and can't stand alone (even being unsociable and unaffected by everything is an effect of something else).

It's a dreary night. And I am laughing at myself as I type this right now.

dreary - dull, boring, sadness, gloom
laughter - from sources opposite of the above

I am laughing at myself for being so silly. First you might like to find out how I am contradicting myself here. I happen to be in a situation. I have to read dark, dark, dark, dark, dark dark books. These books don't help my mood, they only seem to frustrate me.

"Why is this guy so indecisive?! Can he get a life?! Just kill yourself! You're so uncool, have you never heard of facebook?!"

Well yes, Gordon Comstock in Orwell's Keep the Aspidistra Flying has indeed NEVER heard of facebook. Died before it was invented. And I'm reading The Trail by Franz Kafka now; I like Josef K., I just don't like how the story goes nowhere. WHAT IS HIS CRIME???!!!!!

Yes it's no use getting frustrated because, they are just books. Which is why I'm laughing at myself. I know I'll be done with it in no time (couple of days?), and then I'll look back and scoff at myself. What is the big deal when it'll be over and you'll move on to another book. Oh there is a big deal. The AGONY of reading.

Reading fiction in reality is quite strange. I feel feelings in reality, from fiction. I want to read only happy books, but they all went home and all the sad, angry books got left behind.

If The Trail was meant to frustrate and anger, and put murderous intent in people's minds, then thank you Kafka. I'm thinking how silly this will all sound when I'm done with the book. It's like my future self has come alongside my present self to do some scoffing in advance. Thanks a lot future self. Now go away.

The Girl Who Has Everything

2010-11-13T01:12:00.006+08:00

Hello!

What a fantastic day it is! Praise God for everything.

You know, when I'm traveling between places, I think of so many things. It's obvious that I don't have a very good memory, because if I did, I would write everything that I remember, here.

So, some thoughts are lost, but what you see here makes it. Pretty much like how the farmer collects rice from the paddy field, some grains fall out along the way, some grains fall out when they get loaded into sacks, some fall out from the sacks on the truck on the way to the market, some grains... Yes, but they are not "lost". As long as I had those thoughts before, they impact me in a way, even if not consciously. So all is not "lost". How can it be?

Today I just want to say, that I am contented Lord. I have everything that I could ever need, or want for that matter. God, I am thankful for;

my meals
for my lectures
my time with you
the Holy Spirit
the big picture
my friends
loved ones
dinner with my mom
my brother
Jie

and, I am thankful Lord, that I am thankful. Thank you for filling my heart with gratitude when I could have been arrogant. I find myself a hard person to be with. Thank You for being with me. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for teaching me how to love. Thank You for our conversations. I can never express myself adequately in words.

I laugh because You are funny. I have such wonderful days. It is always a surprise when I find out what is planned for me today, most unexpected and what I need the most. Indeed You are God.

Denial and Non-movement

2010-11-08T15:38:00.003+08:00

I am in a state of denial... OF EXERCISE!!!!

I bought myself a bicycle, but I have not gone to Bukit Timah once. I am procrastinating all the time. I don't even go to the track by the canal. I should. I wanted to this morning. Then I looked out the window and saw the cloudy sky.

I'm thinking, that I should go cycling or running, whenever the day is beautiful. So if I see the sun out, I'll go.

Also, I am ignoring my books today. I have not read a single page. This is very convenient, considering that I can ignore the 8 books I have placed in a separate "to read" pile. Oh the guilt now as I am typing this!

My sleeping cycle is not normal. I slept at 3 last night. Actually I was tossing in bed from 2.30am. I think this was due to my sleeping at 7am the previous day. I had a very strange dream, that I was driving a taxi on a long road trip with lots of bends in the road. Very strange.

My life revolves around a few things.

Sleep -> Eat -> Read-> Go to school -> Eat -> Read-> Sleep

My only indulgences are;

1) Watching movies
2) Buying CDs
3) Looking at the computer screen (how is this an indulgence?! crossing this out!)
4) I can't think of another

I hope I don't have to have instant noodles for every other day of this week.

Bam! I've got a new blogskin!

2010-11-06T02:20:00.005+08:00

I love romance! I love the idea of romance, not that I am being romanced, or in a state of love. Films play out our greatest desires and I like to observe those desires because our reactions reflect our inner thoughts and wants.

I think this blogskin is so romantic because I remember the movie that it came from. We humans have a strange ability to associate things with other things. This skin invokes pleasure in me as I run through the film again in my mind (as do other primates). I remember the novel. In so many ways, this bildungsroman still tells the story of the present day. If this is a book about growing up, it's readers are still growing (in numbers and as people). One is never "grown". (!) I feel the need to put that exclamation mark there, because a sudden thought just flashed in my head, and I remember certain snobs who think that they've transcended and they have the right to scoff at younger people. If I describe them in the context of the title, pride. And prejudice, for having preconceived notions.

Suddenly, my conscience descends upon me. I remember my brother, and my attitude towards him. Not just him, but towards everyone around me too. Then, I am part of that group of snobs. Yes, the ones with the preconceived notions. So? What is the point of reading the novel if we are not rid of ourselves? The idea is, to read a novel about growing up, and to not grow up and out of those preconceived notions and self conceit. Oh my gosh! I have just proven why the human race is unredeemable!

1) We don't ever become better people because
2) If we "become" better people
3) We will again, have another set of preconceived ideas
4) We will never be rid of our vile selves
5) And since none of us are perfect or can resist the temptation of imposing prejudice
6) We shall be born and perish as selfish people
7) The most selfish people the world has ever known
8) Before the world realises that they too are the same selfish people by judging
9) Praise God for salvation!

Now this takes away a little of that pleasure I had in the beginning. This brings me face to face with reality. I really should be nicer to my brother. I really should grow like Elizabeth in the novel, into a better person. Oh but I've just disproved "growing"!

What a horrible state I am in! Proving and disproving myself. How does this relate to the blogskin I just put up? Well, read the previous lines. I have just took a train from html station to stop at the end of the rail of my thoughts. I can go no further. I must stop. There is no more track to be traveled ahead. Oh I wish I will meet someone like Darcy!

The Funeral

2010-11-01T00:38:00.005+08:00

The Funeral

Sitting at a funeral
Listening to the banter
Of talk of the dead

I did not see his face
Though my heart aches
The ones living
The pain will take

Folding, folding
Deep red and gold
Trapped in their thinking
The people of old

Let's be serious

2010-10-15T01:32:00.003+08:00

The biggest place to explore is one's mind. I surprise myself. Honestly, I do. I come up with the most random things, I conceive the most elaborate (mostly unrealistic) plans in my mind and I tell others all about them. Only that the people I tell will, 99.9% of the time, not know what I am talking about. So I'm left alone, but there is still hope! There is this space! And so my mind will run wild...

1) I can let myself go with some people because we have an understanding, but for some others, I can't, because we're still understanding each other.

2) Life is not life just as I know it. It is more, it is bigger than what I have thought of it. And thus, there are many other ways to live life. And there are so many options. I cannot begin to explain the directions of all the possibilities.

3) I'm grateful I'm studying in this program, because my eyes have been opened, and I see in more angles and perspectives than before.

4) That gives me a lot to think about. Because there's so much material, but only one mind. While processing, I am a little tempted, which brings me to;

5) With great power comes great responsibility. And so, with great knowledge comes great responsibility too. With so many options, and so many persons I could be, I need to choose wisely.

6) I'm considering God in my options. Would whatever I explore in my head, be in His plans for me. Will he disapprove?

7) I need to know what means the most to me. The importance of the people around me, and my love for them.

8) If I am so liberated and free, why am I still in a cage. It is so ironic. I should let go.

9) I should respect other people.

10) Like T. S. Eliot, I shall continue with life, even if bombs drop overhead, because it will all pass. And life will go on.

11) So now I have less despair and no worry, because in a sense, what is meant to be will be. So I want to trust God.

12) Which reminds me of the Calvinistic viewpoint I learnt about. But I object to half of that.

13) I'm moving towards the spiritual, away from the physical. Does it sound scary? Well it's not. It's true. To most people, I sound crazy. But learning that it doesn't matter, that the judge is not the world, but my Lord, that everybody can misunderstand, and it doesn't matter, because I don't care what they think. The only person's opinion that matter's is God's.

14) I am thankful for the peace in my heart. And I am not afraid.

15) If you've never felt peace and joy from your heart, then you're not there yet.

16) I want to save everyone. I need to. Because it is my duty here.

17) That means I have to have a big, big heart.

18) Sometimes it's hard, when I know the big picture, and I know where everyone's headed. But they don't know that. Sometimes wisdom invokes a heavy heart.

Touched by more than an angel

2010-10-03T00:35:00.005+08:00

I've been doing so many things. So much going on. Okay more like I'm doing the same thing, just that it takes up so much time. Not thinking means this place becomes empty. But I try not to think so much. I'll just write down some of my thoughts and my situation these few days.

1) I've not been able to smell or taste anything for two weeks. There are instances when I try real hard, when I sniff real hard and I get a little, just a little taste of what I'm eating or the smells around me.

2) God is good.

3) I miss everyone around me. Because reading means I disappear off the face of this earth.

4) How are you? I often wonder how everyone is. What are you doing now?

5) It feels good to cycle, at 4am, but I shall try not to get everyone worried. I know the scoldings are because I'm cared for. Thank you.

6) My mind seems to be composing parts of stories and just forming conversation. Not with me, but as if it's a part of a writing. Does reading more make my mind go into overdrive?

7) Always on my mind, the material I have to get through for this academic year.

8) To give is a joy, especially when I give to God.

9) I need to play my guitars and ukulele, my fingers are losing their hardened layer of skin

10) What will I do when I grow up? I know I'm older now, but when I'm older than older? I'm thinking of jobs, but, nothing.

11) I need to go to somewhere with a beautiful beach.

12) I miss my friends. (repeated because I miss them so much)

13) I want to have dinner with my parents.

14) I remember playing with erasers with different countries' flags on them when I was a kid. Abu Dhabi was a bad eraser? Germany was good? Flippity flip the erasers. Where are they now? Then I apply the history of the world. I was influenced by Western media and ideas. Manipulated as a child? Already?

15) My thoughts go in a circle, so did my conversation with A. The conclusion is that, we can never find the answers to this world.

16) There are other people like me? I thought nobody thought like I did or would appreciate my thoughts. We have interesting conversations. Didn't expect that.

17) I'm taking a leap, will You catch me?

18) I'm afraid, but I'm so strong because I'm not alone.

19) Someone pray for me.

20) I need to find Kinder Surprise, the one with the real chocolate egg and not the crap we get now.

So I give you, 20 thoughts for today! Of course there's much more going on in my head. But thoughts are sometimes like dreams you know? Just fleeting. And then my next thought is to think about what I just thought about.

Back home from everything

2010-08-28T23:23:00.011+08:00

Hello! Good evening! I'm back!

Past few weeks flew by and now I can't really remember the events that took place, well not clearly. I was out of the country for a while and I'm somewhat glad to be back, somewhat missing the place I was at. With mixed feelings and me, a little disoriented, I now relay an episode of my life here.

Australia was fun, but not without hiccups. I now know how it feels when situations get out of hand, situations that I have no control over. I had some trouble with my plane ticket. Apparently there was a double booking and some numbers didn't match up in their system. My flight was at 9.30am. By 9, I was still standing at the airline counter with no ticket and a whole lot of worry in my mind. The atmosphere was so tense, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to board the plane. Everyone else had already been seated and the gate had closed. I was left looking at airline personnel shouting across counters to each other, frantically trying to put me on my flight. There was no choice but to run. I got my ticket shortly after, had to pick up my backpack and was escorted through immigration (which I cleared in a few seconds at each point). Never in my life have I ever had such an experience. What about all the duty-free shopping I was planning to do at T3? Sadly, it never materialised. All I got to see was a glimpse of all the shops as I ran across the carpet to catch my sky train. Running with a heavy backpack, and with a heavy mental burden was no joke. My escort was running out codes at every checkpoint and I was running late. I got on the plane at 9.20, 10 minutes before we were scheduled to fly. Such relief! A horrible experience with an established airline, but nonetheless memorable. At least I can tell everyone I was the last person to get on a plane with scheduled take-off time being 10 minutes later, with this;

a handwritten boarding pass. Now, how many people in the world can say they did that?

However, my flight back was pleasant, and I would not discourage anyone from flying with them. My case was just one in a million. Now moving on, my days in Australia were filled with much fun and nice scenery and surroundings. Did you know? The view of the Indian Ocean is just amazing! The Australian sky is always so beautiful, like it's been painted with pastel. It seems unreal, just looking back at my pictures. It's like I was photoshopped into all my pictures with the sky. Just incredible. An example;

Blue melting into blue. Australia is a place where you can whip out your camera, take a random picture, and still have it turn out a keeper. It is just so scenic and picturesque. Beauty can be captured from any angle, and nature just breeds and extends her arms to the lucky person that happens to stand on her pad. I happen to be very fortunate, to be able to witness such beauty. The world that God created, of which only He knows all of its secrets, the world that is so filled with beauty and wonder. Makes me feel in awe of Him. He who knows such splendor, and yet, He still is my Father. I praise God, for all he has created with love is good.

I did drink a lot there. The drinks kept flowing for a few days. But even if you don't drink, check out the vineyards down at Margaret River because you just might be able to capture this sight;

A visual feast to behold! I just like being in the country, being around trees and cows and sheep and some kangaroos. Being there is having my engine slowed down, enough for me to relax and contemplate life. Having so much freedom to do anything, and the different culture and food shakes me up. I missed home and being around all my loved ones to the point of having national day songs playing in my head and heading out to eat local food like char kway teow. Anything to feel a little bit of home! After a week I was more alone and I got used to the cold and the life there. When I had to come back, it felt like being uprooted again to live my life back here. I guess both countries have their pros and cons and I just happen to like both (of their pros). That's why I'm still in my current state. I'm sorry, do I live here? I still live in Australia don't I? I still want to say "hi" and "thank you" to the bus drivers I meet. I still want to shiver in the cold. I still want to pile on 3 layers because goodness! It is just too hot here! I miss my new friend there. I miss the view. I miss the country. But I'm back here, where I belong. I guess I can never really uproot myself from here. This trip has taught me that I can never leave this place, where I was born and brought up.

It was a good trip and I learnt a lot of things. I lived with myself and grew as a person. Now I have new perspectives! Hurray! To the only place where I saw the Sun and Moon at the same time...

And like the setting sun
The traveller returned home
With much heart

Slip away little grains
It's time to go

Cheers!

A Traveller's Prayer

2010-08-10T22:44:00.004+08:00

A Traveller's Prayer

Dear Lord,
Please take away my worry, anxiousness and fear

Dear Lord,
Please always guide me wherever I go

Dear Lord,
Please may Your Presence be with me now and tomorrow

Dear Lord,
Thank You for being such a good God

Amen

For when bombastic words cannot express so clearly. For when I run out of big words of praise and petition. For when I keep repeating a routine. For when I just need to express my heart simply. The return to a child.

What is this?!

2010-07-09T17:36:00.003+08:00

The feeling I'm feeling is unexplainable. It cannot be dissected by all human theories and broken down. It cannot be analysed and understood. Best of all, it cannot be taken away from me.

While I'm being so bad, someone is being so good to me. I misbehave and run off. I don't listen and I don't compromise. I don't do the right things. I fight and lose to myself. But I don't deserve this love I'm receiving.

The words that come to me in the middle of the night make up my song. And I know it is not me. Oh and yes, I am writing a song. I wrote half a song. The tune that comes, how does it come? It is so amazing.

Being there for someone is such an honour. I always happen to be there. Someone always makes me "happen" to be there. Someone has a sense of humour. I like it. I like to be used by someone. I like to love for someone. I like to be like someone. And I'm so thankful that someone loves me, though I'm bad.

What I'm doing now, is just a process. I'm going through a process. It makes me realise a lot of things. And now I know more. Not through force but gentleness, someone shows me the way and points the direction.

Why do I feel this way? Such peace in me. I don't understand me. But someone understands the me who doesn't understand me.

Someone likes to hug me and whisper words to me. Someone likes to love me. Someone I can talk to anytime. Someone who fills me up so much. I am almost afraid to lose that someone everytime. But someone, You will be with me always won't You?

You know, I love you too Lord.

When You're Sick

2010-06-29T19:42:00.005+08:00

You know what's the best part of being sick, knowing that you will only get better. In the meantime, I'm celebrating. Let the drinks flow!

Okay of course the picture's not this rosy. I'm just being optimistic. I've got many other side effects to deal with. I can celebrate, provided I get past;

1) My one blocked nostril

Seems like if it unblocks itself, it's only for a couple of seconds. So right now, I live my life depending on half my nose.

2) Not being able to smell anything

Yes this feels like crap. My brother came home and remarked, "What's that nice smell?!" Uh... I've been home 10 minutes. There is no nice smell. There is no smell!

3) Looking like some beat up ninja with a cold pack wrapped around my head and some tissue up my nose

See I don't mind, because the stuffed nostril is actually not working, it's blocked. It's just that, it makes it hard for me to drink you know. I feel like an elephant. Know why? Because every time I drink, I have to make sure one end of the tissue doesn't stick into my cup. This sounds disgusting, and I assure you it is.

4) Losing strength

I hardly feel like a 100%. I'm holding on to poles, tables, chairs, whatever I can grab to steady myself. Pretty soon my mother will be suspecting that I've been drinking because I walk like a drunkard.

5) My head hurting

This one's really bad. I feel like I'm being squeezed from all sides. This is probably the worse out of all the bad stuff. The worst of the worse! You know what the worst thing is? That I type a post like this when I get this sick. It's not me. It's my head!

6) Throat like sandpaper

Especially if I wake up in the morning, there's no moisture in there and if I cough or yawn, feels like I'm splitting my throat, like I'm tearing my head from my neck. It goes "urghh!!!!" and it splits and I become a version of Nearly Headless Nick.

I feel like a light bulb, a really hot one. I'm the heat-radiating centre of the world, in the bus, on the train, at the office. I'm a hot spot on the satellite image, just an image of Singapore and not Indonesia. I feel like a burning tree. My nose is on fire. And clearly I'm not thinking straight because here I am, whining, right here.

Forgive me.

Mother

2010-06-27T17:16:00.006+08:00

Mother

You have so many faces
You make me laugh
You make me cry
You make me frustrated
And sometimes, you just really are so funny.

You know of moments when you laugh inside of yourself, like not in a crazy mental way, but when you think of something funny and relive the moment, and you remember what made it funny in the first place? Some crazy happy chemical inside of you just gets unleashed and you feel so good and so happy that it almost seems like you're crazy. And I just said that laughing inside of yourself is not in a crazy mental way. Well, you get what I mean.

So that get's unleashed when I walk around in my head, decide to open the old thought cabinet where I store my memories and I take 'em out and like Dumbledore, just plunge myself back into the moment when it happened. I had one of those moments today while cooking. My mom, the coolest, naggy, angry, crazy, nice, most insane mom on the planet decided to do "the boyfriend talk" with me.

First of all I'm thankful, wow, that she's finally getting to it. She really must care huh? She goes on about how I need that support and I'm going, "No no!! Why must I be dependent on someone?". You know, when you've been brought up all your life to think independently, it's hard to accept that that very same person who made me... well, me, is telling me to go and find someone to depend on. Ironic? Well at that point people, we were in the middle of making dumplings. So I had "the boyfriend talk" while cooking. Funny. And real discreet.

Here's the best part. When I was 12 and entering another school, she was going crazy on me, telling me I'd "better concentrate on my studies and don't go and find a boyfriend!". Clearly, clearly that was not a problem with me, giving my current marital status. I have never found the need to depend on someone else. I'm my own person's person. I'm my own secretary, manager, cook, cleaner, nanny, I even entertain myself. So mom telling me to go and "get a guy", not working for me right now and I can say, in the near future.

I know this probably doesn't sound that funny because I'm typing it, but it makes me laugh inside. And it's interesting, that my mom is this type of person. I feel like I'm going to get more laughs in the future. And I'm going to do that crazy thing, laughing inside, and I'm going to feel happy, and I'm going to laugh some more, and I'm going to laugh, feel happy, laugh, feel happy, and repeat that.

There are so many things that I feel like I don't have, or I've been deprived of, but I know I'm much better off than a whole lot of other people. I'm thankful, I'm so thankful. I get angry sometimes but I'm still thankful.

p.s. Oh, and did I mention, I think the reason she did "the boyfriend talk" with me, is because my cousin is getting married. Thanks alot mom! And yes I know, and I know as well. I get it. Okay. Now, that's over.

Monday, not looking forward to Tuesday

2010-04-26T22:48:00.004+08:00

I don't know how I'm having time to do this. But, things just come when they come and so when I have to write, I write (rather, type).

Today is a Monday. And my final examinations are exactly one week away. Lots of emotions and thoughts running through my mind. I wake up intermittently at night for no reason. My brain feels like a pressure cooker about to explode. I can't do anything without thinking of my work. I have lost the ability to truly enjoy anything and the ability to laugh without any cares. I'm not eating when I'm hungry. I don't get hungry, my stomach just eats itself. You know it's on.

This is a strange feeling. It's called stress. It's like a new thing to me, never felt much for it. But as I grow older, things get serious and everything is a deciding factor for the next situation. No one can really escape studying in Singapore. I was on the wiki and researching for materials and saw a title of a children's book; Treasure Island. I always thought writing children's books were easy. I grew up on Enid Blyton and I always loved the stories of adventure, discovery and everyday life. I heard stories about English childhoods and houses and gardens and climbing trees and boating. It was a stark contrast to life here but that's another story.

So, children's books. Simple storylines, diction, language, no substantial complications. However, a huge amount of imagination allowed to the reader. I would imagine myself in a world where fairies, gnomes, elfs and all other magical creatures exist. I would spend hours reading and re-reading the adventures of The Famous Five and The Secret Seven. I really love those books.

As an adult now, I live in a realist world where everything is anchored and logical and there is no space and time to think otherwise. Meaning, no more fairies, no more adventures. I spend my days doing the same things over and over again. It is a repetitive process totally unlike the adventures I read about.

This me, if you'd ask me to write a book. I would write one talking about and deciphering the complicated things in life. It takes a lot to write a children's book. I think there must be a certain mindset involved. And I really envy and admire those authors, for reaching a stage in their lives where they can take a step back from their own lives and survey the big picture and know everything's going to be okay. To be able to trust enough to let go and go back to one's humble and childish beginnings and ways is such a blessing. I am reminded, that to enter the kingdom of God, one has to be a child. It is such a hard thing to do right now and in the future. I just know that there are so many things that will occur and shake me, shock me and change me. I wonder, will there ever be a point in my life when I am better than I am now, and when I can just lean back and breathe and function like the person I am suppose to be, free of any complex thoughts and theories, and living like the person God intended me to be.

Food! Kitchen!

2010-04-09T14:30:00.006+08:00

(Spaghetti Aglio Olio with Prawns and Oyster Mushrooms)

Does this... make you hungry? Well continue being hungry because... I just finished it! Maybe I should be a cook? You think?

I'm A Kid!!!

2010-03-02T22:16:00.005+08:00

Awesome day today.

I went to the library while waiting for a friend and started browing the children's section. It made me remember part of the old me and if you don't know the old me; well I'll tell you. The old me used to;

1) Read books
2) Read a lot of books
3) Honestly, really a lot of books
4) Many Enid Blyton books
5) Read fairytales
6) Read science books
7) Read fairytales then get scared that there'd be something under my bed
8) Read fairytales and try to believe that the tooth fairy is real
9) Know all about magical creatures like gnomes, elves, fairies
10) Love to read

So today, when I saw a shelve full of fairytales, I got excited. Then I moved on to the "popular" section and started browsing Enid Blyton. I really miss those stories and I remember a little, why I loved reading so much. But I stopped, somehow. I no longer find much joy in reading. These days I;

1) Read Greek classics
2) Read Shakespeare
3) Laugh a little at Shakespeare
4) Read about King Arthur
5) Read about King Arthur but not fairies or magical toadstools
6) Read about knights who rape women
7) Think the knight is an *** for doing that
8) Read about people poking their own eyes
9) Read poems written by a pervert
10 ) Read because of my studies

The joy of reading is greatly diminished. I forget what it's like to just curl up for hours in bed reading, all day. I forgot how I managed to stay still for so long, how to stay absorbed. I forgot how to read smoothly, I'm always re-reading my lines. I forgot how to imagine.

It's a very important thing; to enjoy a story, one needs to imagine. I forgot when everything became about analysing and not enjoying, when reading became a rush instead. But today's awesome, at least I managed to relive my childhood. I still get excited looking at the Famous Five. It's something I grew up with and no Mom, you cannot give away my Enid Blyton books! End of conversation! We are not talking about this again!

Cheers mate!

Peter Pan

2010-02-27T01:54:00.013+08:00

I was supposed to do this yesterday. Now it's 1.55am. Well yesterday is still... well today... tonight! Tonight is still yesterday. I don't care! Hahaaaaaa!!!!!

Right now I'm high on sugar (does mac 'n' cheese contain sugar?). I think. Well I might be high on happiness because... THANK GOD FRIDAY NIGHT HAS COME!!! You have absolutely no idea. Today I did an exam for a module I don't like and it wasn't so bad... I only stopped making sense to me from the second essay onwards. I think it's going to be cool. The scolding from my lecturer I'm anticipating.

I might as well write this now, after all the bullshit you've just read.

I was waiting for the bus today and I see this girl that I've seen three times, with her little sister waiting for her school bus. That girl happens to go to my alma mater and it felt good to be seeing someone receiving that same education I did years ago. Everytime I see her, her sister and herself will be climbing the guardrail at the sheltered pathway to the bus stop. Today when I saw her, I realised something.

I was reminded of how a proper Romantic childhood should be like and I realise, we don't have enough trees. We do not have trees to climb. Our little brothers and sisters grow up in a concrete world. We don't have the childhood of the past; we can't walk into our gardens and pluck fruit and scavenge for strawberries or something. Right now, I feel so deprived. I will never know the feeling of climbing a tree, or having a tree house, or playing pirates in the yard.

You can't blame her for climbing the guardrail. I was wondering whether they still had gymnastics in school, she should join up.

Most parents these days, they reprimand their children for their "bad" behaviour like climbing railings and just monkeying around. But they're kids! The way I see it, it's wrong! I wish I lived in the past. I wished I had a garden I could take long walks in, a tree house to be my hiding place, wear a tunic and run around; get myself all muddy and dirty, steal a cookie from the cookie jar, get chased after by a dog. You know... I wish I lived during Enid Blyton's time.

Whatever the case, I don't want to grow up. I'm the resistant grow-upper. Don't make me, Mom!

P.S. Today I saw a couple of elementary school kids ripping the cardboard off new toy guns. It looked so childish to me, until I started wondering if I was worse at Primary Six.

Being A Child

2010-02-21T02:09:00.006+08:00

This early morning, I have in my heart a call that I would like to share and answer.

As I go through everyday, I walk through life, many things happen. Nice things happen, and not so nice things happen. Well for me, I have been so blessed to not have much issues (maybe I do but God is great), I get to sit at the sidelines and watch instead. Increasing I feel and I know that there is such a simple solution to all our issues and problems and dilemmas and guilt and how to just live better.

HOW???

Just... be a child again.

Be like a little child, a little boy or girl again. Put down all the worldly burdens, all the expectations of everyone. Go back to when you were pure and innocent. Without a care, when there was no bias or discrimination, no judgement or hate, know nothing but of love, love nothing but all a child loves. Honour as a child would. Give as a child would. Live as a child would. Love as a child would.

Imagine the possibilities, what I propose may sound a little farfetched, but I have good reason to suggest it. Picture an office, and if everyone acted like a child, gone are the politics, backstabbing, discrimination, selfishness. Often we work towards peace and harmony in a social circle. Examine closely the ways to achieve that and one will find that it corresponds with qualities a child would have.

It seems like an easy thing to do, to become childlike again. But in reality, it is really difficult. Personally, it is like choosing between keeping the last piece of sweet for yourself and offering it to people who matter less, even people you don't like. What would you do?

I have been so blessed, I have come to a point that it is natural for me to always think of others and put others before myself. It is indeed a fortunate thing, that I can bless others in this way. It is small, sometimes it is sacrificing what you really want, but knowing that someone else may be able to experience a small slice of heaven (sugar rush in this context) over me, makes me feel more satisfied than if I'd saved it for myself. It is so hard to describe, it strikes your heart and very soon, you'll be doing it like it was the most natural thing in the world.

But it's not just sacrifice, it's other things as well. Basically, love needs to go around. It's not that there's not enough love, there are not enough messengers. If we just love everyone, put them in front of ourselves, care for them, then the world would be a better place. But that will never happen entirely, so there is a place I'm waiting to go to, where everything is perfect.

Right now, I feel that it is time to end this post. I know it's not a home run. This is what 6 hours of sleep can do to you; make one write in flow with one's erratic train of thoughts. Today's one of the worse days to think. Enjoy yourselves this new year!

My New Love

2010-02-18T22:51:00.002+08:00

I have been having so much fun lately; truly blessed by the Lord.

I found one more thing that I enjoy doing. Driving! I made it! Stage 5.1! Everytime I sit behind the wheel, I forget all the stress and concentrate on just moving and getting around. People say retail therapy to destress, I say driving! Now I'm fresh, back from a session. It makes me forget that I have exams next week.

Now that I remember, I have to do something about it.

Anatomy Of My Mind

2010-02-10T14:09:00.005+08:00

Oh my gosh! It's been a crazy life. It still is.

Days have been so exciting, tiring, draining, fun, funny, exciting (I know I've already mentioned it), cold, hot, oh and really really hot! I have good and bad days like all other people; but I always hope to have good days. I think a bad day is still a good day and I thank God because it could have been worse. So according to my definition, a bad day is still a good day just not such a good day? Something like that.

But there are days, a pick me up comes, not in the form of coffee or tea, but in the form of an angel. I know the human mind cannot conceive of God but really, I must be seeing angels! They are so cute, so short, so wordless, so innocent, so pinchable, is that even a word? Well no since my computer is giving me the wrong spelling line thing. Well, yeah they're little kids. But I like to call them angels. It might sound strange to you, I might seem like a ludicrous person and maybe I am, but I am not kidding about the kind of feeling I get when the angel walks up to you and starts playing with your Spongebob luggage tag.

Lately, I've been feeling strange. Not disturbed but that I feel like I am one of a kind. There is no one like me. I don't resemble anyone. I think that I am an eccentric individual.

1) I laugh for no reason
2) People laugh at me for no reason
3) People laugh when they see my face for no reason
4) I laugh at people for no reason
5) I laugh when I'm tired
6) I laugh when I have no sugar in my system
7) I laugh when I drink Coke
8) Then everyone laughs at me

Sounds very strange does it? But well... I LIKE IT! I don't know anyone like me. I think it would be interesting to meet me. Would I like me? Would I laugh at me? What if I hate me? Well, while I am waiting for me, there is something I would like. Lunch!

See you around!

P.S. Waiting for Godot? Waiting for me? Maybe... Samuel Beckett is a genius!

My Odyssey...it still goes on

2010-01-10T16:50:00.006+08:00

How was your Christmas and new year?

We're into January now so I'm done with all my thinking back and reflections of the past year. Today I just want to talk about the person I want to be. 2009 has been a great year, but I haven't been a great person, so I want to rectify that, hopefully, this year.

I say I haven't been a great person; I haven't been the person I wanted to be, or done the things I would like people to do to me. No one can say they are perfect, and I'm glad that now I know myself better, so I can be typing this. The person I want to be, is a person who knows what love is, and a person who knows how to love and applies love everyday. Love is such a big thing. It covers everything, the entire world. And with what I know now, it seems strange to see how people only classify love as romantic love. But of course I am privileged and I know who love is.

With all that in mind, I want to love more, and I want to do it in the little ways that always seem overlooked. As I get caught up in this "progress of society", I realise that I also get caught up in the "progress of deterioration" of myself. I have been very affected by technology and I feel it's a bad thing now. And it's hard to rectify that because it's right in front of me, all the time. So this is a bid to go back to the days where I behaved more like a person. Thus, I present the list of things I hope to achieve, not just this year, but as a person for the rest of my life. So here goes;

1) To not put on my in-ear moniters when I'm with my family or friends
2) To not download illegally

Basically this is it. I just know that these changes will bring about so many other things. I know I'll be a better person inside, and that is so important to me. Everyone thinks that it is nothing to go to a supermart and pay with the headphones on, but I think about the cashier and how that person feels, I think everyone will start talking instead of being so cold. To consider the other person, this society will be better. And downloading, well that really takes a toll on me and it's such a struggle and a conscious effort to do the right thing.

I really want to live right everyday. I'll need so many prayers to stay grounded and I ask you, to pray for me too. Just so you know, these are not new year resolutions. It's trouble if you need a new year to make a change. It's such a blessing to be able to make a change immediately and I thank God for my direction. There are so many things I've come to know. And I have so much to say. And you know, I thank God for you, for everyone, and to be a light that shines for Him, that's just such a privilege.

So I bless you. Have a good day everyday.

What My Heart Wants To Say

2009-12-22T01:44:00.004+08:00

It is Christmas time again and this week looks to be packed with feasting and merry-making. This year is a special year. I have grown and grown so much in the past year mentally and spiritually, so it is with a new joy that I celebrate this Christmas.

There are so many things I want to say, but I feel the Lord has put a special message in my heart. It is a reminder of the true meaning of Christmas and I feel that this message is grounding in such times we live in. I know that people need to know this.

Most of us know Christmas as a time of shopping for presents, parties. The general term is, "the season of giving". But what is it? Why's it the season to give? Sadly, many people take Christmas as a time to just give, and demand gifts; all without knowing the real meaning of it. It seems so normal to do things for the wrong reasons these days.

It is so important to acknowledge that Christmas is a celebration of the birth of the saviour of the world, Jesus Christ. Among the throngs of crowd, I wonder how many people are actually celebrating in God's honour instead of other reasons. How many people are throwing a birthday party for Jesus. How many people look beyond the material to see the truth. The truth that we are saved because of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Well, for me, I feel so content. I feel so happy and filled with love and peace. I am so thankful. Why is it the season of giving? Because my everyday, and my everything is a gift, from the Lord. And because of Christ, I have received the gift of life. That, is more precious than anything money can buy, and it is more precious than the latest gadget. For such are worldly things that do not last, they cannot compare to eternity.

Indeed it is the season of giving; with the right reasons. I know where I'm headed. Do you?

From a heart that is set on fire

2009-12-06T15:14:00.005+08:00

Praise

I have so much to say
Yet so little comprehension of how to put it

If I could describe You
You! You are my sky and my day

You who let spring the buds from the ground
You who make fresh every face in the morning

You who stand by my side all the time
You who never tire

You who mount a rescue operation everyday
You who tell me everything is going to be alright

You who keep Your promises
You who use me for You

You who is everlasting and great
You who is the Almighty

You who gave me that smile
And the fingers to play

You who understand our private jokes
You who laugh along

You who sacrificed Your Son
And saved me instead

You... And the list goes on
But You, I know that You will never die

You are my light
My star

The sunrise in the morning
You are my life
You are my love

I thank You
For loving me too

I do know

2009-11-24T00:43:00.004+08:00

The Parent's Song

A look uncertain
Pierces a face that does not know

Thoughts formed but that cannot be spoken
An expression of resign

Eyes that look longing and loving
Fill the space between and time

To deaf ears
There is no sound

I can see the words in your eyes
When I realise

I'm sorry
I didn't know

To devote to a device and not to man
To choose unwisely

What happens to the lost time
And I know the regrets formed later

To cherish every moment
It's easy to say

But you know that I love you
I do

Can you see the words in my eyes too
Even if I look out of a window

It is the nearest
That we don't reach for

And the most we want
When it's gone

This poem, was inspired by a scene. This reminds me of what's real, and what's now.

When the whole world around you is plugged in, what do you do? The world seems to care less. All the parents who were shelved by a device, looking on with expressive eyes that want so much to tell their children many, many things. I am guilty. And when I see that look on your faces, it tears me a little. And one day I know, it might tear me apart, when I miss you too much.

I See Myself In Others

2009-11-10T00:55:00.005+08:00

Her Once Upon A Time

The little girl in her pink raincoat,
She exclaims to her gran

I look on with such joy
Such innocence I see

As I watch
She sits a young figure

Unaware of the world
No tension in that lovely view

A face full of hope
A smile unrestrained

Living in her own bliss
Happy in her own things

She is the new that has come
From the old that is gone

May the Lord watch over her
I know she is blest

That little girl,
She is so precious

I think I understand what Blake was doing and how he thought. Why he did innocence and experience. Because he must have wanted to preserve. And then to present the harsh facts. But what makes life harsh? Isn't it the very people who write these poems? And yes, I am one of those people. When I could smile, I chose a facade. So when you compare a child, who is so innocent, to an adult. You get the difference immediately. An icon of innocence versus one of lined face and callous hearts. But don't we all have a child in us? But it does not show does it? Not all the time; not everyone. Now, it feel like a game of hide and seek. Just like when you were a kid...

My Thoughts of 15 days

2009-11-07T16:06:00.004+08:00

Hello...

I have been having fun times. In class, outings, lunches, dinners; you get my drift. Fun times that are so adult-like. The seventy cents bowl of noodle became a twenty dollar three course meal. I used to get a dollar for school. I saved a few cents a day and eventually got to a few thousand. It seemed like a lot of money. Now even ten dollars is not enough for an outing.

People call that growing up. I brand it as a teenage phase of frantic spending. But deep down I know that I use that as an excuse sometimes.

In class, things are fun. The discussions are awesome! I enjoy myself. At this stage of education, we are past discussing simple matters and theories. We think at a deeper level and psychoanalyse everything.

When I go out with friends. We are at the stage of discussing relationships and other things. Now I never thought we'd do that. I admit it still surprises me everytime. What happened to the other more innocent and "mundane" things like homework and talk that just fills and passes time? What happened to all the funny and nonsensical things we wrote on paper notes that we passed around the class?

Grown-ups always say they miss their childhood. Growing up, I was determined not to fall into that same longing. In fact, I didn't want to feel like any of them. I had decided I didn't want to regret. I wanted to do everything, so when I got older I would not go, "I miss my childhood.". I guess I wanted to be different. But looking back, it seems silly and now I laugh at myself. Yet another things grown-ups do! Laugh at themselves! I realise I'm doing whatever I tried not to do. It is so exasperating! I'm filling out every example of an adult that I don't want to!

Well, yesterday, I was walking somewhere. And I saw these two little boys, primary school kids, prancing around a grass patch. They were exclaiming with glee while looking at the empty drink bottles they held in their hands. Right then I thought, I remember when I used to do something like that too when I was in primary school. I would get the guys to catch millipedes and we would keep them in our pencil sharpeners. It was so funny because the teacher would be teaching but the guys would be sneaking out to the balcony to get them.

It struck me; Apollo shot me; I grew up. Oh no! What happened to Peter Pan me? What happened to the girl who said she wouldn't grow up. I don't want to! But here I am. I am a little resigned to that fact.

My quest for the meaning of life has ended. But the events have not. You know, there's this question that some people ask. "If your life were a movie, what genre would it be?" A lot of people say action. A lot of guys mainly. Well for me, I can't quite decide yet. Would it be a comedy? You tell me!

I was on the bus home from school one night. The bus from town to the suburbs is always packed. But well, had to go home right? Boarded it. Rounded the bend and realised there were two other buses behind that were less packed; the third one still with sitting room. I was standing and clinging to a seat while having my body compressed and shoulders aching from my heavy backpack. But wait! The best is yet to come. Because it was so "densely populated", I stuck my hand into my pocket and hoped for the best. Hoped that no one touched me. Unfortunately, there was this guy standing next to me, belonging to the taller species. His bottom was at the same level of my hand and I have to say, MY HAND GOT OUTRAGED! I tried and tried not to touch him. Poor bum I know, but I was having my personal space invaded! My number one rule broken and blatantly disregarded by everyone around.

If you think this is funny, laugh. In this short example, maybe I'm a comedy huh? I'm that bad... I think if I saw myself and my thoughts, I would be laughing my head off! In a sense, this is growing up too. Not that when I was little I went around touching everyone's bottom on the bus. Absolutely not!

I might write a poem soon. See you guys!

The Happiness Bug

2009-10-23T12:39:00.002+08:00

Hi guys,

Just checking in...

How is everyone?! Been more than a couple weeks since I started school. Been more than a couple weeks since I stopped working. Been half stuffed with books. Been at home growing my hair. (Hairy stuffed turkey??)

I shudder at the thought. But despite everything, I've been really happy. I smile everyday and I think I'm getting cheekier by the day. I think it's a progressive disease? But I'm happy to have it. It is such a joy to wake up everyday and give thanks to the Lord for saving me another day. Even my bad days turn into good ones. I feel so blessed.

Life feels so much more matured, stable. Like I know what I have to do. I've found the key. I know why I'm here. I'm changing, and changing for the better. Sometimes I look at the old me and think, "That was me? Huh? I didn't know better!". People call that childish innocence. But I realise, that that exact childlike innocence is what we all need. We need to stop hurting and forget all the crimes against us fast enough. Just like kindergarten. Always pure, always innocent with no motives. And most importantly, no judgement.

I feel like I am about to explode. I am so filled with love and joy and hope and peace. I feel like running around and giving everyone a hug. I know that sounds insane but so what! Just like kindergarten. I feel like making everyone smile so wide all their decayed teeth would show. Now I wish I was a joke book, so I can entertain and make everyone's day. If you don't smile, I'd have masking tape to hold up the ends anyway.

This post is entirely driven by the happy hormones laying/flying somewhere around. Today is a really great day. I have a plan (in progress). Nice breakfast, fish farm (unplanned), shopping, nice dinner. Do you see the smiley faces?

I SHALL REJOICE IN THE DAY THE LORD MADE!!!!!!!!!

See you around!

People You Don't See But You Haven't Forgotten

2009-10-11T00:35:00.005+08:00

How is everyone doing? I wonder occasionally how people are doing. How are you doing?

I met up with a friend recently. It's a busy time for me now with school and all, but I thought that I'd be glad to see an old face. Anyway, I thought it was about time too! I'd been missing that person a little, with scarcely a phone call for months. It felt really good to see a familiar face. Back in school sometimes it was just plain annoying. But it felt great and we fell back into the same comfortable relationship we always had with each other with more or less no awkwardness.

Talked and teased each other a lot. Caught up with each other and it felt great to be talking the same old nonsense I was spewing years ago. Not that I don't talk nonsense now. That would be an understatement. Just speaking casually with whatever was on our minds, I thought about how much I missed the old days.

These days school is so different. I don't have to wake up early, it's more demanding and I definitely need more discipline. And of course, the people are different. The people right now are more grown-up, less childish. Feels more proper and serious.

So my friend and me, we had a good time. The closeness is still there. But things have changed. People are seeing people. And people like me who aren't seeing people, and aren't seeing things, are not seeing people. Alright, anymore people talk and I'm getting confused.

The point is, how are you doing? You! Person sitting staring at the screen right now. Maybe it's only me, but I think of people a lot. Then I wonder if people think of me. Do you think of me? Call me. Huh? Okay? Call. If you've got something to say. Now I've got nothing to say. I must be the most boring person in the world right now...

Say Cheese!

2009-09-30T14:33:00.005+08:00

Hi. It's been a while...

School's started and "busy" is now a word that can be used to describe me, contrary to my extremely carefree life a month ago. School has also got me thinking. I have very interesting classes you see. But what I would like to touch on today, is not about my whole schedule and preparations to drown everyone in the sorrows of student life. This is simply an observation of people and, of myself.

This was contrived when I was waiting at a bus stop, fearing that I was moments away from receiving a phone call that I would rather not get. I was going to be late for my appointment. But it turned out well and that's another story. Anyway, the topic of "smiling" popped up in my head and I was thinking about that and all that comes with it.

I have observed and heard, the latter more often, friends and people around me relating stories about how someone smiled at them and they found it creepy. The someone can be anyone, the lady or gentleman walking down the street, of any age, wearing anything. People would give each other looks and cringe and walk away briskly. Our society is so narrow that we assume that if someone smiles at us, they'd have to be hiding a motive, which brings to mind the story mummy always told you. Don't accept sweets from smiling strangers, or something like that. We walk around expecting danger at every turn; the ladies bring personal alarms with them; the elderly bring walking sticks and brollys.

People are scared. We fear. We have been taught to fear. Our reactions betray our upbringing. Even myself, if someone smiles at me, I'd be wondering if the fella's gone wonky in the head. Lets face it. We don't advocate smiling. We think it's weird. The "cooler" bunch would think that it betrays their image. And yet, we wonder why we have such an ungracious society. We hate it, we condemn it, when the sales assistant does not smile and display friendliness. We call that being rude.

The only time I hear positive things about smiling people, is when the subject is an extremely dashing man or woman. Here's the joke. The people who talk about being creeped out earlier, suddenly embrace the gesture as a compliment and lo ho! Let the flirting begin.

All these, I find extremely funny. I don't know if you can detect the humour behind it but I'm having so much fun writing this piece and just thinking of it. There are so many ironies in life and this is one of them. But a word of caution, since I laugh at everything, you might not catch my drift. Even so, I'm just saying...

Cheers! I'm feeling so frisky! Here's a smile for you. :D

Things that annoy me...

2009-09-05T14:51:00.007+08:00

Hello!

Happy September everybody!

It's the last weekend before I start school, last twenty days till I sit for my basic theory test (for driving if y'all don't know). It's also one of those weekends that I feel inclined to stay home because of a large (very red!) zit sitting right smack in the middle of my face, on my nose. Right now from the side it looks like I've got two bumps on my face. The tip of my nose and the tip of the evil pimple. My brother said I looked like Rudolph. But I'm going to take that as a compliment. I choose to believe that he was trying to say I looked cute.

I've got two days left to sit around; after which I will be immersed back into the whole school, study thing. In the meantime, y'all are in luck! I'm in the mood for entertaining. Fun. Joy. Laughter. Hooray!

So I've been a little more irritated these few days (month?), and I think I've finally figured out why. I was going about my chores this morning and I looked at the rolls of toilet paper in the bathroom. It suddenly struck me that I really disliked the current brand of toilet paper the family was using. It broke easily, was thin, looked really crappy and cheap. The kind of thing my mother buys when she is in the whole nevermind-as-long-as-it-works-and-is-cheap-who-cares moments. This is why I have to constantly remind her, if I go shopping with her, to do quality control.

Besides toilet paper, I was also thinking of what other things annoyed me, or have been annoying me. Bear with me. In no particular order;

1) Cheap, low quality toilet paper (already explained)

2) People who turn off the air-con in my room whenever they like (my parents and brother when they think that it is time that I wake up, when it is not time!)

3) My computer's speech recognition software not responding to my voice (only since yesterday)

4) Norton's software help and support (they are slow in responding)

5) Call centres with foreign staff or are based overseas (am I suppose to understand their Indian accent? Not that I have anything against their race. I just think that companies should be more considerate and provide us with locals whom we can actually communicate with. The things people do just to save money.)

6) The concierge of that hotel in Austria. (how vould I know vad he's saying? von bedsheet? von room? vad are you saying? The guy implied that I didn't know how to speak English! Slow service too. Vait vait I'm busy. Come to Singapore and I'll give you von lesson on how to speak ze proper English.)

7) Staff in restaurants who are foreigners and can't speak fluent English (they don't know that I don't know how to speak fluent Chinese. We end up going "Huh?".)

8) People who try to kiss me. Sorry let me re-phrase that. People who try to kiss me and I'm trying to back away; forgot there was a metal cabinet behind and end up banging my head against it. (oh the pain! Oh the realisation that I don't know that person very well and that the person still managed to kiss me. Twice! Oh my modesty! I've been outraged!)

9) Birds outside my window. (I like animals. Birds are fine. But but! They leave their poop and feathers around everywhere! They should see my Mom for a lesson or two on personal hygiene and social responsibility. It is not cool to leave one's defecation everywhere! It's like a poop-and-run.)

Well that's all I can think of right now. Actually I was thinking of making a video on this topic. But, I'll see how the response is and then, decide if I should start video blogging. Reading text is not as personal as watching a video.

So anyway, just in case y'all are interested. I've got six more rolls of crappy toilet paper here. If any kind soul wants to help me finish them up. Come over; we'll have a toilet roll party. Alternatively, I could always encourage my family members to use the toilet more. "It is good to clear your bowels and pee as much as possible Dad!" Of course, he already knows that. If going to the bathroom was like Pokemon, he would be a level 100 pooping-machine with straight intestines.

Ciao!

I Want This For My Birthday!!!

2009-08-15T00:28:00.004+08:00

This year, as my birthday approaches, I did some thinking about what it really means.

Sometimes, or rather, most of the time, birthdays generate a big hoo-haa with lots of extravagance. During my secondary school days, it was not unusual to see students lug big bags of presents or a really big soft toy for the birthday boys and girls. The size of the gifts became more and more conspicuous. It felt like a rebellion against all rules and the proclaimation of their liking and fondness for their friends. It became cool to do that and students got bolder and established an unspoken status quo.

There was the period of the mandory "hamburger" and throwing of the (in my opinion) unlucky birthday boy a few metres into the air. People did get hurt. These acts got officially banned after a while but I have to admit that it was fun to watch while it lasted. It was not just the physical things that made an appearance. People threw parties too. There was cake and pizza and everything anyone thought appropriate for a celebration. I felt there was a division among the student population. If you were popular enough, you got a party.

Albeit all the excitement, the parties, the fun, the money; the material, I don't think we knew what we were doing. The meaning of birth, the significance, I can stand here and safely say no one right then knew. Not even me.

This year I realise, a birthday, my birth; my true desire. To be born here, in my circumstance, was not a fluke. I feel like I should be throwing the parties and giving out presents to everyone. I feel like giving the world a hug and saying, "Thank you", from the bottom of my heart. Thank you everyone, for loving me, as I am. For accepting me, for teaching me, for being so patient, for forgiving me.

What is a gift truly? One claimed with money of this world? With what intentions? Very often we give not because it come from us sincerely, but to look good and go with the crowd. Many times we give because someone else gave us a present before and we feel obliged. I did these before. But I'm not going to do it anymore. If you search the dictionary, the definition of give, is "to present voluntarily and without expecting compensation". When I give, I want to give with a pure heart, unexpecting, uncalculating, no strings attached.

It is a given that I do have things I desire, as a human being it is only natural. There are material things and there are other things that only God can give me. For the things that are not material, I will always hope for. It is not important to me if I get a present or a treat, not anymore. I know that the things I want the most are not any worldly belongings. I know that God knows my heart. For everyone else, the best presents everyone can give me, is to stay healthy and strong.

Take care and have a good one!

Jesus Saves. Yes he does!

2009-08-03T12:25:00.001+08:00

These few days, I've been thinking of people, stereotypes, people. Not thinking like thinking about what certain people do, or say. But rather, going in deeper and thinking about what makes them tick; what makes them do the things they do, what makes them say certain things, what makes them feel certain emotions. Basically, just asking why.

This topic and thought is very weird and persistent because I have never pursued it in this manner and the repeated recurrence of this thought is too modest to be called coincidental. Thus I conclude, the Lord is prompting me. Maybe somebody needs to read this.

When I think of certain people, I feel different. It is a whole array from pleasure to irate. For some people, it is a kind of sadness I feel. The people whom I know are struggling with themselves and their lives. It stirs up old memories because at some points, I have been there. It is cliche to say that one understands what another is going through. But, at the same time, it is so true and real. When I read and I know in my heart, I pray for them. It is never easy to climb out of a dark tunnel and sometimes one feels that there is no light at all. That is not true.

I look at a person, and I see what they are and I wonder why. But at that moment, realisation hit too. Is a bad person born a bad person? Can one really be a bad person? Are we good people? I don't think anyone wants to feel sin. It feels horrible. Maybe some people will not understand why I said "to feel sin" rather than to do bad things. Sin, is what God says is bad. Doing bad things, is what society says is bad. I choose the Father. To live by his definitions and not mine. To see what is right through his eyes and not the eyes of man. If I want to live for Him, I want to live like Jesus.

People are molded like they are because of what they've been through. They react a certain way because of who they are. It is ridiculous and comical to me when someone is punished for something because the very thought that triggered the action, it was not suppose to happen. Something went wrong somewhere. Things go wrong all the time. I have no idea how the perfect life is suppose to be. But until I reach that beautiful place, I will continue to think.

The higher we climb, the more we achieve, the more money we have; I wonder if these people ever wish to be like the common man. I think the richer we are financially, the poorer we are spiritually and emotionally. Away from the notions that always speak of how impossible it is to have it all. I think there are those select few who really do have it all. It is not easy. Righteousness in God is always faced with temptations and obstacles set by the Devil. But it is very important that we know that there is a path for us, even when our surroundings seem bleak and dark, obscured by ourselves and the worldly affairs of this place.

Sincerely, if there is a person who needs something, I hope that this is your answer, If there is a person who is lost, I hope this is your direction. If there is a person who feels sad. I hope you rejoice because God loves you.

Q. R. A.

2009-07-29T20:07:00.001+08:00

This is for moments when I remember how blessed and fortunate I am, here today. I wrote this after I saw a man at a bus stop. This represents the questions, the dawn of realisation, the answers.

Q. R. A.

Skin droopy and folding
Clothes bleak and ill-fitting
He sticks to the side of the world

Holding a bag of something small
Hunger must have overcome
I realise as he starts to eat

Distasteful, plain, raw and neat
How does he consume
Why is a man left to this

God says He will be right there
To love and to provide
And every man is His son

Comprehension is slow sometimes
But when it hits I realise
The Father does not do things for nothing
Why did I question that

How Good Is He

2009-07-12T01:14:00.006+08:00

Heya guys!

It is always one thing to give, and another to receive. Most of the world, it seems, is happier with the latter. Who doesn't like presents? Which child doesn't look forward to Christmas and birthdays or any occasion that promises gifts? For me, I like receiving, but I get a bigger kick out of giving. It's just the joy and seeing that person's face light up. Even without sight, you can feel and anticipate the reaction in your heart. Feels good.

I think God had that same feeling. He loved, He gave, He anticipated, He saw. Doing all these, while He knew. Most people know I cycle. I used to cycle a lot a couple years ago. I stopped after school ended and have always wanted to go back to it and do some serious biking. On wednesday, I got a pleasant surprise. Someone I barely knew gave me a bike. If God wanted a reaction, He got one. I was surprised and a little cautious. We always think that there is no such thing as a free lunch. When we're actually given one, we doubt the giver and the gift. Yesterday's cycling trip dissolved all those thoughts and has made way for a little private joke between Him and me.

I just feel so awed and amazed. Something that I didn't ask for, He gave it to me. Just a thought but never in prayer. I know He wants me to have it. It feels like the start of something new, like even He is encouraging me when I stayed without action. I never thought that this would happen. Sneaky.

The greatest manipulator ever, gave me a bike. Father, you are awesome!

The Qs without an A

2009-07-06T23:43:00.004+08:00

When things happen and right now changes
When you get pushed and feel forgotten
In a corner of a room like a child
Looking at a toy that does not belong
What do you do, what do you say

When you try and get tired
When you are open and your heart is laid down on the ground
Exposed to the naked cold and trampled
By rejection and declination
What do you do, what do you feel

When frustration sets in and doesn't leave
When it gets worse and you hesitate
Like in poker you take a chance
They say all gamblers always have hope
What do you do, what should you think

Just staying silently
Convincing yourself to feel that way
Waiting, will it work
Will it make it go away

Night Falls at the Station

2009-07-02T21:55:00.004+08:00

I sit and watch
At a station full of people and rails

Each train comes at a different time
Each one goes a different way

People rush, people push
They run and they go fast

As each train pulls out
Some get left behind

Did they miss it
Or did they want to wait

I was there before
In the middle of transit

But now I know where I'm headed
So I sit there quietly
And watch people figure

P.S. I Love You. Does it still hurt a lot?

Listen, To My Cry

2009-06-25T22:03:00.003+08:00

I told Him to keep me
And never let go

When my spirit wavered
He still kept hold

Thinking things happen for a reason
What do I know

Will I get through this
To believe and continue to grow

Please make me strong
And help me move on

When feelings descend
Will I still stand

Through the haze and confusion
Of thoughts and people

Save my soul Father
When it gets tough

I give it all up to You now
Will You show me the path

Because Father
I know in You I can trust

Thank You for Caring

2009-06-19T12:38:00.002+08:00

I have always lived my life the right way. I woke up, had my meals, went out a little bit. Sometimes I would find myself to be such a normal person, almost forgettable. I wondered sometimes, if anyone was thinking of me, talking about me, praying for me.

Yesterday, I was having dinner with someone. We were talking and suddenly, the topic became about fasting, since the fasting month is nearing. We were talking about what fasts we will be doing, who we will pray for; etcetera. She told me she had been praying for me, and not only her, but also her whole cell group and my other colleagues. I was surprised. I didn't tell them I had issues. And to include the whole cell group who at the time, hadn't even met me, was mindblowing!

I realise that the changes and improvements over the last couple of months was not only by the power of my own prayer, it was the power of all the people that I didn't know, together with me. Most importantly, it proves that my life now is no fluke.

Praying for someone you don't know is an amazing thing. It takes so much love to even bother to care about someone. We always abide by a "don't be kaypoh and keep to yourself" rule. It cannot be more ironic the things we are doing now for others who sometimes, don't even realise it. Yesterday I realised I received. Yesterday I realised how many people made an effort to care. Today! I want to love the people I love, the people I don't like, and the people I don't know. No one has to know I'm praying for them, they just have to know they are loved and maybe, they'll feel as aweome as I feel right now!

Cya!

Reason

2009-06-15T01:04:00.006+08:00

A couple days ago, a friend called me up and asked for a favour. She wanted me to listen to her presentation to practise for the real thing the next day. She came up with a whole complicated talk. One thing jumped out at me. It was the clearest thing in the whole complicated explanation. She asked me this question. "Have you ever wondered why you're on this earth? Why were we born on earth?"

She answered that question herself. "We must have a purpose since we're here." I told her I had an answer to that question too. I could tell she was a little taken aback. I guess it was a normal response. I mean, how many people can tell you they have a definite answer for a question that difficult and uncertain. Everyone tries to find an answer. Some people search all their lives and never concur.

Many of us spend our whole lives asking that question. And many say that they have found their answers. Some live for their family; their friends; in short, they live for others. Were we put on this earth to live for other people; to make them happy? Is that our purpose? Some may say that they don't know why they're here. Some wouldn't want to be here if they could choose.

I feel sad when I hear or get to know of people wanting to end their lives. They don't know what they're doing. They don't know what they're losing. God gave them something precious but they don't understand. I was just surfing a website about a little girl. She's got cancer and in order to get the best survival rate, she has to go to New York for treatment. Only problem is, her mom can't afford it. So right now, she is desperately sourcing for donations to save her daughter. She says she has never felt so humbled in her entire life.

Juxtapose this. While someone can try so hard to save a life, others simply live a "meaningless" life as they call it and try to end it all. I'm sure my Father didn't bring all of us here to just die. My friend was right about all of us having a purpose on earth.

I believe I am here on this earth to honour Him. To live for Him. In these two sentences, my whole word is expressed and summarised. In everything I do. And since I know he brought me here for a purpose, I'm sure he makes things happen for a reason too. Everything I go through, is simply to make me stronger and a better person. It's because of this, that I know that a little girl is not suffering for nothing. Her mom is not put through this ordeal for nothing. He has a plan; and I believe Him for it.

When you feel like you have no purpose and feel so unwanted and tortured on this earth, won't you just trust in Him for you? After all, He is God; and God can do all things.

Goodnight!

In My Mind, The Rain Washed Everything Away

2009-06-13T18:59:00.004+08:00

She hopped into a cab
And left me standing there
I waved and she waved
I still stood standing there

Wondering, how could this be
Such burden, such aversion
Should it be hate
Or am I too judging

As I stood on the sidewalk
Waiting, the rain answers my daze
I see it illuminated
In the headlights of the cars passing by

It feels like a moment
Rain descends on me
I keep walking
We all need to keep walking

If only the rain
Could wash it all away
To relieve us
And set us free

Is it real
Open my floodgates
I know this is right
Because the rain washed everything away tonight

Insomnia?

2009-06-07T21:41:00.005+08:00

Last night or rather, early morning, was a nightmare, literally. I had nightmares during the times I actually slept. Other times. I would toss and turn in bed while willing my body to transcend into the legions of rest. I must not have a strong will. It didn't work out the way I had pictured it.

I have no idea what's keeping me going. Maybe it's because I had a friend over today. Or maybe it's because I've been blasting music for the entire day if not, making music. Well I'm not sure but I sure am grateful that I kept awake for the things that happened today. I wouldn't have had that much fun sleeping.

I would like to share a picture. This was photoshopped by a friend. I think it's beautiful and I would like to put it here to remind everyone that in this crazy, crazy world, we can still seek solace in our mates. May God bless you and may He bless us all with cooler weather.

Overflowing Blessings

2009-06-07T00:16:00.006+08:00

Friday Morning.

These two days have me aching and feeling a little heavy. Refer to the picture above. That, with badminton, has made me into a groaning, painful person. My hands and arms are totally wasted.

I can't remember the last time I played at the range, but it was a much more lonely affair. This time, I went with someone and that made all the difference. It's amazing what a little company can do to you. I used to think (and sometimes I still think) that I can do everything on my own. There's this phrase, "No man is an island". If you had asked the younger me about this, I would have said absolutely. Even now, I stand by my answer. But, I haven't exactly been keeping to my opinions. I still do things on my own. Independence, that's what they call it.

Doing things on your own can get a little lonely sometimes. Other times, I actually appreciate the privacy I get. That means I get to spend alone time which translates into time for thinking. When I'm not thinking, I'm not writing on this blog. That's when you know I've been occupied all day with outings and other activities.

This week has been busy. It just keeps getting better. Thank God! All the happy hormones are flowing. They flow all the time, just that now, more than ever. It's so amazing how things just fall into place. They say talk is cheap, but look where I am now. Just riding on the power of prayer. I'm going to have a long talk with Him at church later this morning.

I might be having a good week but I know some people aren't. Just like they are there for me and to keep me company, I want to be a pillar of support for them too. So guys, don't be afraid to fall. I'll catch you.

Hope you have a pleasant morning, to all those who are not intending to sleep on this hot hot Sunday.

Ultimatum

2009-05-31T22:59:00.002+08:00

As I'm scrolling through the internet, I read blogs and personal pages and look up profiles. I notice some of these sites or profiles, always come with a "warning", a message of self-defence or a proclamation of character and consequences. Different people give different "warnings". Some will tell you to piss off in your face, others speak of themselves as nice people who are nice to you when not offended.

It's a little unusual to me that people think that other people are gonna hurt them all the time if they don't put out defensive messages. When I click on a blog, sometimes the first thing I see is a warning to be nice or else, and a set of rules on what one can or cannot do in that person's online space. Why is everyone building walls made of self-thought theories and rules? How do you force yourself to live in such an environment? The idea to only be nice to a nice person is in itself, a funny thing. Doesn't the Bible say that we should love our enemies too? If everyone is so defensive, to the point of being offensive, we can't ask ourselves why the world is so cold and merciless. Because it starts from us.

That aside, I want to share something important. Today, I found my direction in life. I found the answer to the question everyone has been asking. The most important question that teachers and parents always have on their lips; what do I want to do in life? Well I've got it. I've finally nailed it. My answer? I want to live to honour my Father. I want to please Him through my actions and my work, through my thoughts and words, through my interactions with my family and friends. I want to give because He has given me. Now y'all may say, "that ain't an occupation like being a doctor or a teacher!" Yeah no it ain't! This is much cooler than that! It's a job for life!

Teachers, friends, everyone, stop asking and read this! This is who I am. I hope that in your heart, you have the same desire as me.

You are always in my prayers. Goodnight!

On a Lighter Note...

2009-05-29T21:45:00.007+08:00

Today is one crazy day mashed together. I got a little pissed, got a little happy, got a little crazy, got a little bite from the laughing bug.

I'm saved everyday by two things, God and laughter. The God part y'all know. I can't reiterate how important laughter is. It's such a big part of my life. I laugh everyday. I laugh when it's ironic, when it's sickening, even when it's not funny to most people. I can just find something to laugh about in every little detail. Anyway, I just laugh everything off.

That's great for days like today when I feel like my day's ruined by one small thing, especially when something goes wrong in the morning. But right now, I'm feeling all smiley. I'm feeling great. I've gotten over the fact that my new Gibson high E string broke. I've gotten over the fact that I broke the salt shaker. I'm positive that my Mom won't kill me for that. That's something to smile about altogether.

Talking about smiling and laughter, I can't forget to talk about the Ellen Degeneres Show. It's my favourite show and it's my daily dose of humour, my salvation from the four walls of my room cause I don't go out much. It's really hilarious but some people around me don't get the joke. But it's alright, they got me. Right now, since I figure that everyone is in need of some entertainment, I shall tell a joke that I read online today.

First, a little background info for you to understand the joke. Guitars have six strings, first to sixth strings. They're called, E, B, G, D, A, E respectively. This is actually something someone said to her guy friend on the phone. She was playing her guitar.

Girl: "Oh crap! My G string broke!"

Course the girl was referring to the the third string on her guitar. But if I said that to you on the phone, you would think, "What the?!" The girl says that her friend still looks at her funny till today.

Hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't get it, nevermind. Just everyone, remember to be careful with your G strings. Goodnight!

Start of Something Exciting

2009-05-26T23:19:00.004+08:00

You know when I was little, I used to write poems. Poems about my feelings, about things, about people. I can hardly remember exactly what I wrote now. I stopped when I was in my first years of secondary school. I think I should start again, because some things can only be summarised, expressed and represented in stanzas of sometimes, bombastic words.

My mother tells me this is a gift, that not many people can compose poems. Me? I just find that it just comes naturally but still, I'm thankful. If it's a gift, and I think it's a gift from God, I hope that this gift can be used to brighten days and provide some form of enjoyment to me and to everyone else.

With this mindset, I start again with my first this year.

My Saving Grace

Like the birds in the air
You are everywhere

Like the trees of the forests
You are sturdy and strong

Like the streams that flow
You are persistent and bubbly

Like a torrent of rain
You drench me in Love

Like a torch in the dark
You light up my path

Like a compass when I'm lost
You show me the way

Like the sun after the rain
You brighten my days

Like the air that I breathe
You're all I need
My saving grace

What I Need To Do

2009-05-25T22:43:00.003+08:00

I think it's very important to believe in yourself. Today my dad acted a little weird. He came into my room and asked me to think about what I wanted to do when I get older. I told him I have a plan, but he gave me the usual parent-is-concerned-about-your-future-so-you-better-take-life-seriously talk. Honestly, I regard it as just nagging. But as I think about it now, I believe he had good reason to talk to me. If he felt it wasn't important, he wouldn't have put his thoughts into words.

As school draws nearer, I begin to consider the reality of what I signed up for. Three whole years. That doesn't sound like a long time to study, but considering that I haven't been in school for more than a year now, that sounds a little daunting. But I'm excited. I have intensified my reading to prepare for the course. Literature sounds boring and I'm not a very patient person. But, I know that there will be lots of interesting things to look forward to, just like the book I'm reading now. I thought it'd be boring. I was wrong.

I know people expect things from me. I don't want to disappoint them. Now, the pressure is there and it'll only be even greater when I actually do start school. I feel a little afraid, a little cautious, anxious. I hope this is it for me, the correct course. My gut tells me it is. God in my thoughts tells me not to be afraid. He tells me he has plans for me. More than ever now, I have to believe Him. And I have to believe in myself.

These thoughts make me reminisce about the time when I had to retake my maths. When I found out I didn't pass the first time, I felt the world ended. It wasn't much of having no where to go, it was knowing that everyone had hoped for me and I had let them down. I didn't trust myself. The period when I was studying for the next maths paper, I was so lost, so afraid and so unsure. I didn't know if I could trust myself to pass. Those times were one of the downs for me. I felt that my parents had changed their opinions about me. Sometimes they would rub in the fact that I didn't pass. That topic became a way for personal attacks.

I was really messed up. I didn't like where my life was going. I didn't like the people that were part of it. I just didn't like anything and the worse part was, I didn't do anything about it. Now, I've proved to myself that I can do it. I've got God on my side. He will always be on my side. And because of that, right now, because He believe in me, I want to believe in myself even more. Because He is never wrong.

This evening, take care will you?

The three people talking

2009-05-20T23:02:00.005+08:00

You know the phrase, "what does that voice in your head tell you...".

I have that voice. Three in fact. Me, God, the Devil.

I am completely sane. This might sound strange to a lot of people; to hear voices in your head. Science classifies it as a conscious and sub-conscious mind. I think they didn't get it right. These voices have always been in my head. It's just that now, more than ever, they are actively participating throughout the course of my day.

There are some commercials on the goggle box that actually play on these voices. You have the good guy, the bad guy, and you. It's similar. It's just that we (the three voices) don't debate on whether I should buy "that" car, or "that" bag on the tele. We debate about my actions, what I say, what I do, basically the entire time I'm awake, and sometimes when I'm asleep.

God, doesn't say the cliche holy stuff you always think he does. He can speak layman terms. Doesn't speak Singlish, but speaks my language. Me, my voice, will ask for guidance and help here. Sometimes he speaks to me immediately, sometimes it takes a little more time. Sometimes he doesn't speak at all, but he'll show me. This is the voice that reminds me of who I am, the person I want to be, the person he wants me to be, by his definition, not mine. This voice helps me to reflect on myself; after a quarrel, after using some harsh words, after the Devil speaks through me. This is the voice that makes me repent.

The Devil. This voice is exactly as it's name suggests. This voice speaks through me when I'm angry, to say hurtful things. To accuse and reprimand. To yell and shout untruths. All the vile things come from this voice. This voice is also the reason why the world is so frustrated with everyone, so angry. See, this voice can be very powerful and difficult to keep in check. I lose control at times. Some people listen to it all the time. It makes you feel guilty. It accuses you even if you have done no wrong. It plays on your fears and it can make one a very unpleasant person.

My voice is the sound that comes out after going through the comments of the former voices. I debate in my head with the former two too because this is my own character. This voice is very affected by God and the Devil. But, this is the same voice that is determined to try not to give in to the Devil.

My entire thought process is consisted of these. It seems a little crazy compared to Science's very rational and logical explanation. The reason for this is because, you can't explain God and the Devil. Science doesn't even believe in heaven or hell. But really, it doesn't matter to me how other people think (no pun intended). Maybe they've got things to say about this post. Maybe they have a different thought process altogether. Maybe they still think I'm nuts.

Society's Definition

2009-05-16T14:39:00.005+08:00

I tried not to talk about this topic from an early stage. But, I think it will be even more relevant tomorrow in the future.

Just a couple days ago, I was walking toward a bus stop to wait for my transport. I saw this elderly man in the distance. He looked normal to me at first but when he turned, in the dim lamplight I could see a huge bulge protruding from his face. I carried on walking and I tried not to glance at him so as not to make him feel uncomfortable. I sat down on the seat and I noticed a few ladies walking toward the bus stop also saw him. But luckily, they didn't stare. They just took a few glances and acted nonchalant. I was secretly glad for that man. He already had enough on his plate. He didn't need more negative attitudes and remarks. Sitting there, I chided myself silently for being judgemental.

I have always tried to keep myself away from the worse traits of society. I often slip, no matter how hard I try. I define that as corruption. There are many things today that encourage these traits. Take beauty contests for instance. The search to find a "beauty with brains", the "one who has it all". They put a bunch of people in front of a "panel of judges". They come up with a winner.

Let me tell you people, there is no such thing as having it all. You can never have it all. We all have some, but we don't have it all. And who gives the "judges" the right to judge? Its funny to see all those people strut around and another group of people commenting when I know that only God can judge. All these is made worse by the constant promotion of these contests by the media, which we all know, is a very powerful tool.

Everyone seems to try to make the world a better place. Push for peace, harmony, equality. But all these efforts are futile. We ask ourselves why other people judge us. We don't like it. But yet, we're encouraging that exact behaviour in ways we sometimes don't even realise.

My brow creases whenever I think of these things happening so rampantly everywhere. It makes me angry knowing that we live in such a corrupted society. I really do not like the way the world is going. One day we're going to hit a wall. And its going to happen soon.

Now I know why grown-ups tell each other that they wish that everything can be as simple as kindergarten. The kids didn't judge one another. Regardless of appearance and race, we were all friends. I think that if we don't like our environment this much, we should do something about it. And it's simple. If we all make an effort, that man at the bus stop wouldn't feel like an outcast. He wouldn't be self-consciously pacing with his head down and counting and re-counting the coins in his palm.

I'm Online

2009-05-15T00:20:00.002+08:00

Hey y'all!

I had a pleasant surprise when I logged into MSN earlier. Someone added me into a mass conversation with some of my primary six classmates. It was nice to catch up, though I wasn't doing much of the talking. All these years we never communicated. The only thing was, I forgot about a lot of them. I was desperately trying to match names with faces and vice-versa.

The best part probably, was looking at an old class photo and feeling the excitement when I do recognise them and remember their names. It seemed like really long ago. I can't even remember what I was doing back then. It all seems like a dream now; like I was sleeping back then and was not really aware of everyone or anything around me.

I guess that's called "forgetting" in our society. Well, we've all grown up now. I think it'll be fun to find out where all the people I know went to. So, right now, I'm re-signing up for facebook. The "re" part is a long story.

Technology can be both a bonus and a bane. I'm trying to re-connect with my friends online. But facebook had to throw a wrench in the works. I'm trying to get it out now.

I tried to put off re-signing up for facebook. But, looks like I can't wait anymore. I don't want to forget anymore.

Things I Miss Doing

2009-05-11T12:11:00.017+08:00

Hi guys!

I was just looking through my old pictures and stuff. I thought I'd show y'all some stuff I'd like to do again. Recently, I have been just; not doing much. It's been me turning on the computer all day and I'm just really tired of just lying around. I've been occupied by the internet so I haven't been thinking much. Explains the crazy post before and the lack of more thoughtful posts.

Anyway, these are real good memories that I wish to relive and I think that's healthier than staring at a screen.

Kayaking.
I love this, just being in the water.

I love to thrash people!

Very fun, except when you fall.

Air rifle. What an experience! It's a cool sport. I don't have a picture of me shooting a real gun. This is the next best thing.

Rope obstacles at Ubin, ATC. Very tiring but the sense of fulfillment is there; especially when we reached the top when no one thought we could.

Haven't played soccer in ages.

How can this not be fun? For me it's been done to the point where fear doesn't exist anymore.

One of my favourites. I used to ride almost everyday. Now it's just occasional when everyone has some time.

Of course all these things would never have been as it was without the company. I think it's just great to get together with everyone and catch up, no matter what activities we're doing. I'd forgot how much fun I had and how many things I'd been through. Some of these things seem so distant and long ago. The company seems somewhat distant now that we have our own paths. It's not the same anymore. But that's why we have memories right? To relieve our past, whether good or bad.

So, I can't go back to the past. Who wants to make new memories with me?

Humour

2009-05-07T19:08:00.005+08:00

Hi. How're you doing?

I'm always in a cranky mood. Not in a bad kinda way, in a good way I think. Some people tell me I'm crazy. Well the truth is, I'm not. I just like to play around and joke around. But I take that as a compliment thank you. I'm feeling a little high, a little restless, a little dancey-movey. So right now, I'm gonna tell you guys about my 3 classic and trademarked responses that can be used in all* situations that happen in my life.

Number 1 is used whenever anyone tells me that I'm lame (as in uncool in teenager jargon).

Someone: Hey Jas! That's like so lame la!
Me: What lame?! Do I look like I'm in a wheelchair?!

This usually results in the other person telling me I'm the lamest person on Earth. But, whatever!

Number 2 is used to good effect especially whenever I talk to my boss.

Someone: Jasmine I feel like boxing you!
Me: What?! You can't! I'm square enough!

Please don't say this to your boss cause your boss is not like my boss, able to tolerate my nonsense. And your boss probably doesn't say she wants to box you a lot. That's a good thing.

Number 3 is used whenever someone (my boss in particular), tells me that they want to kill me.

Someone: Jasmine I really want to kill you!
Me: (In a very calm and grown-up voice) Did you know that murder is punishable by hanging?

Very very good thing to say to end a conversation that involves the word kill. It is never mentioned again till the next day.

Hope you enjoyed this funny segment. Just a way to cure my crankiness today. And just in case you were wondering, the asterisk behind the "all" has it own conditions. It just simply means these situations happen to me a lot. It seems like I get death threats all day, and the award of the lamest of all-time.

Only kidding! Take care!

Thrust and Trust

2009-05-06T23:02:00.002+08:00

Today I submitted some documents to Stansfield. I thought about what I'd been through these last years. All the triumphs, the happy, the sad, and the down and out.

I say this whenever people ask me how I feel about my next step in education, university. I feel terrified and nervous, yet excited. Sometimes I have negative thoughts; all the what-ifs. Like any other local kid, I grow up in the fast-paced, chaotic and kiasu environment that is Singapore. So fast that so many things happen in a split-second, sometimes you don't even realise it. We demand more. We want fast, we want accurate, we settle for nothing less than excellence. The chaos comes in here. People who get confused, they can't move fast enough and have no clue about what's happening. Kiasuism, a term that can only be coined by Singaporeans. We don't want to be left behind. We want to be first. First in queue, in rankings, in class, in the world. I think this is the result of the Government's constant effort of encouraging its people to do well in everything and the idealogy of "The early bird catches the worm." It makes us improve, but it also backfires in a sense.

From my clearer memories when I grew older, I remember that when I entered secondary school, the teachers always told us not to play around because our "O"s would come sooner than expected. Even before my "O" levels, we had to face being split into different classes according to our academic performance. The first two years were fine. But we all had to split up for the third year. I played a lot. I certainly didn't study as much. That was the period when I knew the final exams were looming. You could tell because many third, fourth and fifth year students stayed back late to do group study.

I recall I would walk past them and feel strangely calm. It was like my brain was numbed from all the panic and stress. Of course the real panic only came a couple months before the "O"s. But right then, I still didn't know what I wanted to do. There was the constant talk of the poly courses available and the JCs to choose. The school arranged career seminars and I went for some poly open houses. But I was so unsure. It felt like I was going to be thrown out into the "real" world, away from my sheltered life and comfort zone. The worst feeling was, what if I had no place to go?

Then, I felt lost. Everyone around had their goals, what they wanted to do in life, or at least which course they wanted. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do in life. I was only 16. How can you ask a kid what they wanted to do from now till say 60? It felt insane. I was worried and everyone had expectations for me.

But today, I have a different mindset. Today I know that I can trust Him. And He has a plan for me. I'm not worried, I don't think of what I will do in future. My life is in His hands. I believe I am in Stansfield because it is his plan. I know that He will provide for me in future. He will guide me and prosper me. If He can provide for and clothe the flowers in the fields in their magnificent colours, how much more can he do for me?

Forgoing my comfort zone

2009-05-01T23:48:00.003+08:00

Hi guys! Happy Labour Day, May Day, whatever day.

Did you guys enjoy the movies on the goggle box today? I didn't. I went out with my mom and brother to do some grocery shopping. We bought bags of stuff and maybe y'all don't know this, but I'm really a stay-home person. I really do not like to go out for trival things, even to get dinner. I'd rather cook something at home.

Nowadays, I talk to my mom more than before. Our relationship is better than from a couple months ago. She was saying it was going to be Mother's Day soon. I stood there trying to think what date that was. The result was... nothing, no clue. But we moved on from there and I asked her what she would like as a gift. She was suggesting things but yet, being tight-lipped at the same time, like she wanted me to guess.

At that moment I felt like I wanted to buy her everything. If only I had enough cash to let her max out her credit card every month. But my mom, even if I did give her a pile of money, she wouldn't want to spend a cent. I guess all parents are like that huh. I think subconsciously, I'm getting closer to my mom and I'm thankful for that. I mean, how many parents can ask their kids to download music for them? That means she's joining my club! The ill-eagle club! That's an important sign in the development of parent-child relationships.

So today, I didn't enjoy the movies playing on screen, I enjoyed time with my mom. And I think that's more important than anything else in the world. Now I have to go find out when Mother's Day is.

Take care!

Result Of A Very Nice Conversation

2009-04-30T21:32:00.005+08:00

How do I explain the smile I have? An upward curve of the lips? A dorky-looking thing on my face?

Well y'all. Someone just made my day. Someone drew a circle, put some orange in it, drew some clouds, drew some birds and bees and flowers. Probably drew some sushi too. I feel great! And thank you, for the exclamation points.

Today I had a conversation about ambition, emotions, life. It was great. I got to talk about what I wanted to do. I also thought about the person I'd become, the person I was, the person I was becoming. We're in a constant state of change. Some changes for the better, some for the worst.

I came out of this conversation feeling a whole barrel of emotions. It's more accurate to say that I came out with a dose of reality. I see my dreams more clearly, I also see the problems from my dreams. That's a good thing to figure out now rather than later.

Someone told me their dream. Compared to other "big" dreams, society would grade it "small". But you know what, society don't matter. They can scorn you and put you down, but what matters is that you're happy. What can be worse than to live a life defined by society as "the best". I can imagine one who is affected to that extent cannot be living his best life. One would have to have all the cool gadgets and memberships and social circles. That just makes a person selfish, conceited and materialistic. The result of corruption.

I don't have to have it all. I already have so much. Sometimes I'm not thankful enough. I look around and so many people are struggling. It feels a little sad but I'll keep the faith. They'll figure it out someday.

For all the hurt and the pain, He knows. Don't give up.

Terms and Conditions

2009-04-26T16:24:00.004+08:00

I was out today and I while eating, I noticed a display promoting some discount. Something about, "Get 4%* off."

There's always a catch; the extra asterisk at the back. I wonder why people can't be nice and take away the extra condition. That would make the world a better place won't it? To just accept everyone no matter what. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

Even in life, we come with a lot of terms and conditions. So I thought. If I came with an asterisk, what would my T&Cs be?

I thought about this for a while. Really, it's not easy to come up with something like that so easily. I'm just going to group everything into two lists.

I can live with,

people
money
sports
music

I think loads of people live like me too. I can write about a lot of things that I dislike or like. But I'm just writing about what I can live with. I haven't gotten to the without part.

See I think when anything happens, the things you can't live without are more important than the things that you can live with. You can't live without water but you can live without money. So now, I have my without list.

I can't live without,

This probably is hard to understand, especially for the non-believers out there. I might sound crazy to y'all. But it's true. That's me. I can't live without God. I can live without music (which I'm very attached to), my friends, money. Everyday I realise how much more dependent I am upon Him.

The other day I was watching a drama. The female character asked another character, "So, do you believe in love?" I was going yeah! As I grow older, I begin to realise so many things, and one of those things is that, yes, love really exists. Of course people deny love for many reasons. Money, status, fame, or simply because they've just been hurt so much they don't want to admit this existence. Like I wrote before. God is love. How can I not believe in love if I believe in God?

I come to my conclusion. My asterisk represents Love. Yeah I'm putting it in caps cause it's important. I'm curious. All the people out there? What's your asterisk mean?

The List That I Don't Need

2009-04-23T00:24:00.004+08:00

Hello everyone!

Pleasant early morning I'm having. Been surfing the internet and I'm gonna play my guitars for a while later. I'm livin' the life!

Right now, just wanna talk about a list I constantly see during the rare times I'm viewing blogs. This particular list is a compilation of things that the subject wants. Things like "that white belt" or "that handbag", and maybe, "that psp". You get what I mean. I can scroll down an entire screen stating material wants.

I don't have a list like that. Don't get me wrong, it's good to have goals. But I've reached a point in my life (and I've been here for a while), where I feel that I am contented. I don't need a new bag, or a new cellphone all the time. I juxtapose my current situation with these subjects'. I realise I am so different from other people. It's really sad that in this current age, money and brands and material things mean status and power. Everybody wants something new and novel. It feels a little weird and sometimes I think, these people just haven't seen the light yet.

It's good to want things but arn't we wanting too much? Like David said, "The Lord is my shepard, I shall not want.". Well, the Lord is my shepard. And thus, I am contented.

Take care!

The World That We Live In

2009-04-21T15:33:00.004+08:00

Hey guys!

I was in the shower earlier on and I was just singing some songs. Then suddenly I thought, what am I saying? The lyrics weren't that clean. I wasn't singing some sick songs, just normal pop songs that are in right now.

Is that all we've become? The whole earth listening to songs about sex?! You know most times I play the guitar and I sing along. The music and lyrics just blended in together. I didn't even realise what I was singing. I was just concentrating on the tunes. Just check out the lyrics of some popular songs, they don't exactly suggest very moral things.

See that's the problem with us now. We're singing these types of songs, we might not pay attention to the lyrics. But subconsciously, we're accepting that these actions that the lyrics speak of are right. We keep singing and saying these immoral things and now you get kids who think pre-marital sex is alright, that living with your partner before marriage is alright.

We ask ourselves why the rates of abortion in teenage girls are so high, why the figures for STDs are going up. We think we have measures to prevent these stuff. Things like sex education and stuff like the morning-after pill. What we don't realise is that prevention is better than cure. You provide the measures, but we're not preventing the problem.

So what I'm trying to say is, for any of y'all who wanna write songs and make music. Please be responsible and keep it clean. There are a thousand things in the world to write about, why go the same way as others and write about the same thing. We're suppose to be smart people, so get creative!

My Ideal Holiday

2009-04-17T11:40:00.005+08:00

Good morning!

I was talking to my mom just a couple minutes ago, and I was telling her that I saw some articles in the papers about really nice island getaways. So I said I wanted to go and she went, "Yeah, they're nice."

I thought I'd share some thoughts regarding that. I know it's not really holiday season yet but it doesn't hurt if I talk about it now. Besides, people have been asking me about holidays and travelling recently (we're a pampered bunch of kids we are).

Okay so for me, I have a list, sort of requirements I guess. Check this out.

Must have a nice beach
Must have a nice hotel
Must have a modern shopping mall
Must be at least 4 days long
Must get there by plane

This is the "other part" of the list.

No coaches
No mouldy cultural place (I'm no culture buff, I'm a modern kid)
No tour packages (I'm sick of being dragged around in Singapore, not on a holiday too!)

So this is pretty much it. I might have a few more points here and there later on. But this is what I can come up with offhand. I think this is the first post I actually might encourage my parents to read.

Promises

2009-04-16T02:09:00.003+08:00

People always make them and then break them. Course there are some people who really keep 'em. But I'm just saying people in general. I mean, the excitement of knowing something some other person doesn't know about, just makes you want to tell them all the more.

Some people always try to put smart phrases on msn; I guess to seem cool to all the other people floating online there. See I do read msn nicknames sometimes so once in a while I'd chance upon a "smart" phrase like, "Promises are just little ugly things with ribbons tied around them." Hmm.

I mentioned before that I was cleaning up my everything. Today, as of this moment, and yes, in the wee hours of this morning, I wanna tell you that I did a big cleanup again. Did I emphasize that enough? No now I mean BIG, REALLY BIG. It's something that I'd been sitting on for a long long time and I decided that I didn't like it. It's also something several people have been sitting on. So today, right now, after more cleaning, I'm better.

So anyway, about the phrase earlier, I would guess that the person who actually wrote it or people who put it as their nicknames, have had their promises broken or felt betrayed by someone who promised. It's probably retaliation for all the hurt and to tell everyone out there that you're the coolest person on earth cause you finally experienced what a broken promise feels like.

I'm cool with that. But today, I wanna say that I've found a person who will keep all my promises and who will keep yours too, if you just ask. I've known this fact for a long time but today it just seems more true than other times. I am so thankful. Best thing is that he don't put you on hold. I can just talk to him anytime I want.

So guys, you know who I'm talking about. Just ask.

Cleaning Up

2009-04-12T23:22:00.006+08:00

Hello from a nicer looking room!

I was bitten by the organising bug late last night. I'm not a very neat person but sometimes (and the sometimes my mom wishes I have more often) I just start cleaning stuff everywhere.

From late last year, I knew I wanted to organise my life. The mental, spiritual and physical aspects were all messed up. Well I got started on the spiritual part and the mental just fell into place. The last of the physical cleanup was done yesterday.

I feel so much better in a neater environment and as a whole person. The past few months, I struggled with myself and everything else. So much relief that all those episodes are over!

I'm a miracle in progress. World, come at me!

How Do You Explain Why You Love Someone?

2009-04-11T21:34:00.003+08:00

Hello guys!

The past few days have been eventful. I saw a whole array of human feelings and reactions and most importantly, I saw new life.

Someone asked me to explain why I loved them. Honestly I can say a thousand things about their good points and their person. But I can never pinpoint the exact reason. Maybe its the way they act and their genuineness. But as I'm thinking about this now, I realise that, maybe, that's what love is all about right? Isn't it about just unconditionally understanding and accepting the person next to you whatever the circumstances.

I have a theory. A theory to explain why love is so often discussed, given so many meanings by so many people and used till it becomes a cliche but that nobody can ever write down the true meaning of love. Just ask anyone how they love their spouses. You'd probably hear reasons like how they loved them so much they gave up an organ for them or you'd hear that they probably gave up their house, their savings just for that one person. But go ask them again, what is love? I don't think you'd get the same answers from before. I was stumped too.

So I think about it and again I realise, that giving up an organ or material posessions do not define love. That's just an act out of love, the result of love. That does not define love. So what is it? What's this word about? This word that has been mentioned in countless songs, in countless writings and articles, from countless lips.

I came up with a reason. You can't define love. You don't. From a religious angle. God is love. If we can't explain what God is. How can we explain love? So whatever reasons I gave on how I define love. That's just my way of explaining. We never know what is love but we know how to love someone. It's inadequate and I know this meagre meaning is the best I can put down in words. I know I will discover other ways to love as time goes by. But for now, this is it.

From the past...and now

2009-04-09T00:54:00.005+08:00

Hey guys.

Ever had moments of nostalgia when you hear a song playing or look at some particular objects? Well I do.

Sometimes I hear a song playing and I'd think; this reminds me of the time when I was in Sec 4, or this reminds me of the time when I first started working. I don't know if its just me. But everytime I remember, I forget too. Sounds confusing but the logic is, I remember only some parts of that period and everytime I reminisce I recall less than the previous reflection. I think this must be because more time has passed and thus naturally I remember less.

As I grow older I begin to wish that I can actually archive all my actions and thoughts so I can look back in the future. At times special moments occur and then I'd think, will I remember this place, the people here, our actions and what we talked about say, five years from now?

I guess that's why I want to live for the moment, so I don't have regrets to remember. I want to cherish everyone around me every single day. This is why I don't like buying birthday presents all the time. I believe that you don't need an occasion to give something to somebody. You should love them everyday. I'm still learning and it's easy to get so caught up; I forget to appreciate the people around me.

Then I am so thankful, that I still have things to remind me what made everything so special in the first place.

How People Affect People

2009-04-06T21:26:00.002+08:00

There's a person. I've known for a while. Everytime we meet, we bond more. Our actions affect each other and we care for one another.

But one day that person. Became sad and unhappy over some things. I became sad and unhappy too. And worried. This is new to me. I'd never been so close to someone in so different a stage of life from me. I never thought we would ever have such a close relationship. It feels terrible to know that that person is going through so much, that people want so much from that person, that that person has to give so much, even to me. I wish I could help.

I can never thank that person enough for saving my life forever. For caring about the smallest things and my thoughts and my feelings. Could I ever do that first to someone else? Could I ever extend my helping hand without expecting anything in return? Sometimes I see that person try so hard. When tiredness sets in, still, that person goes on. I can see that person break down right in front of my eyes. I'd wish I could take that person's place instead.

Is this what they call love? To love another person enough to want to sacrifice yourself? Is this God's definition? In that case, I think I love you, Jie.

Don't be sad.

The importance of good shoes

2009-04-05T23:53:00.003+08:00

Heya.

Today was a painful day for me... for my feet. I get very annoyed when my mom wears heels to shop. Well not high heels, but taller than normal shoes. Like shorter than a wedge but taller than a slipper. Whenever I go out with her, she'll want to take a seat every once in a while cause she says her feet hurt. Sometimes she brings a pair of normal shoes along. When I say she brings, I mean she gets either my bro or me to carry the shoes for her.

Like every other sunday, we went to church today. I was in a rush to get out of the house so I didn't put on my sneakers or sports shoes. I just wore sanuks. For all y'all who have no idea what a sanuk is. It's basically a canvas covered shoe with a slipper base, a beach shoe. I had no idea we were going shopping at the mall later, and for so long. We just walked everywhere and after 4 hours, I really knew the definition of agony. The slipper base didn't provide much cushioning after a while. It felt like my whole weight was concentrated on two points of my feet. It didn't help that I was carry shopping bags as well. Now I know how my mom feels when she wears heels. I wanna sit down too!

Next time, when I go a-walking for a long time, I will definitely, definitely, wear my sneakers or sports shoes.

Check your phones

2009-04-03T21:13:00.000+08:00

Today is one of those days when I don't have much thoughts. It feels a little stagnant. You know those days when you just go through a routine and time flies so fast that I'm now looking at the night sky.

It's quiet cause I'm alone at home. Sometimes I find myself having so much time on my hands. But I think tonight's gonna be exciting. You'all know I play the guitar. Music is one of the things I really love. In fact, probably 70% of all my waking hours I'd be listening to a song. I don't have a musical background. Didn't come from one of those families that sent their kids to piano lessons soon as they turned 3. I picked up the guitar late in year '07. Now I can play most moderate level songs. Moderate means not Eric Clapton yet. I'll keep you'all updated when I get there. Anyway this ability to play means I've been playing some songs to people for their birthdays. It's just my way of saying hi and you're remembered and loved.

Tonight, if anyone of you gets a call from me. It's probably your birthday.

p.s. Tomorrow seems exciting too.

Why I'm broke

2009-04-02T18:49:00.000+08:00

Thanks for the guitar stand mom!

Heya. This blog is really starting to look like one huh? I added a picture, did some html mambo jumbo. Won't hide the fact that I got a little impatient with this thing. Well what can I say? I barely know html, besides the font thingys.

This morning I went to the gym. It really feels great after a workout! Been in a good mood ever since. I really think one of the reasons why the world is so angry is cause we don't excercise enough. Gotta get the happy adrenalin going. Yeah, my theory.

Yesterday, I did something surprising. I'm surprised at myself. Some people around me will know that I've been thinking of giving tuition lately. Well yesterday I was at Sak's house and her aunt happened to come by. She's got a kid, primary 3, who needs english tuition. So Sak's mom was telling me this could work out if I wanted to take the job. We all talked for a while and I was thinking, yeah, I could use the extra cash. After all, being a teenager right now isn't exactly a cheap affair. But then after hearing the aunt's side of the story, I just decided that, you know, in life, not everything has to be done for money. Whatever happened to goodwill and love? I always wanted to do something to pass on whatever I got from all the loving people around me. So as it ends up, I now have a kid to teach and guys, I'm still broke.

It feels good to give. I've always been a giver. Have always seemed more happy seeing people's faces light up than if I bought something for myself. Am I a weird person? I'll leave you to think about that.

I'm new at this

2009-04-01T01:19:00.000+08:00

Hey guys!

I can’t believe I’m doing this.

All this time I never really had a blog. I say really because I had one before that only maybe one person knew about? It was kinda pathetic so I decided to start this instead. Played around a little with the html and I still feel a little lost about this whole thing. But this is a work-in-progress so it will get better in the future hopefully.

Anyway first of all, I need to say a little something right? Alright basically this thing is for me to express myself online, post some pictures and say a little something. I gotta admit I’ve never really liked the idea of communicating online. I always like the idea of doing this face to face and talking face to face and the next best thing is talking on the phone. Even then I don’t like texting cause it just feels so… like it doesn’t have a human touch to it. So naturally online, I don’t chat on MSN much. People get fairly frustrated with me sometimes when I don’t reply on MSN. It’s not that I don’t bother to reply (people who ignore messages, I find them really rude), it’s just that I’m not one of those people who stay online to chat. I’m probably doing something online or watching a show 95% of the time. If not, I’m away from the computer.

Okay. So I hope you guys enjoy reading my blog. You’re not obliged to read it. Just drop by whenever you feel like it. This blog is more of for me to keep track of what I’ve been doing and the fact that it’s public is just another plus. I don’t know, maybe people are actually interested in my life. Whatever it is, the only rule I have here is to have fun. Have fun reading and hopefully I’ll have fun posting. I’ll try to get everything up and going, the links and all. Please be patient with me and I’ll talk to you guys soon!