Monday, May 25, 2009
What I Need To Do

I think it's very important to believe in yourself. Today my dad acted a little weird. He came into my room and asked me to think about what I wanted to do when I get older. I told him I have a plan, but he gave me the usual parent-is-concerned-about-your-future-so-you-better-take-life-seriously talk. Honestly, I regard it as just nagging. But as I think about it now, I believe he had good reason to talk to me. If he felt it wasn't important, he wouldn't have put his thoughts into words.

As school draws nearer, I begin to consider the reality of what I signed up for. Three whole years. That doesn't sound like a long time to study, but considering that I haven't been in school for more than a year now, that sounds a little daunting. But I'm excited. I have intensified my reading to prepare for the course. Literature sounds boring and I'm not a very patient person. But, I know that there will be lots of interesting things to look forward to, just like the book I'm reading now. I thought it'd be boring. I was wrong.

I know people expect things from me. I don't want to disappoint them. Now, the pressure is there and it'll only be even greater when I actually do start school. I feel a little afraid, a little cautious, anxious. I hope this is it for me, the correct course. My gut tells me it is. God in my thoughts tells me not to be afraid. He tells me he has plans for me. More than ever now, I have to believe Him. And I have to believe in myself.

These thoughts make me reminisce about the time when I had to retake my maths. When I found out I didn't pass the first time, I felt the world ended. It wasn't much of having no where to go, it was knowing that everyone had hoped for me and I had let them down. I didn't trust myself. The period when I was studying for the next maths paper, I was so lost, so afraid and so unsure. I didn't know if I could trust myself to pass. Those times were one of the downs for me. I felt that my parents had changed their opinions about me. Sometimes they would rub in the fact that I didn't pass. That topic became a way for personal attacks.

I was really messed up. I didn't like where my life was going. I didn't like the people that were part of it. I just didn't like anything and the worse part was, I didn't do anything about it. Now, I've proved to myself that I can do it. I've got God on my side. He will always be on my side. And because of that, right now, because He believe in me, I want to believe in myself even more. Because He is never wrong.

This evening, take care will you?