Thursday, December 30, 2010
A Dream
I feel like I need to write this down to remember the moment.Two days ago, my brother came into my room in the morning, and told me about a dream he had. He said he dreamt that I was married and that I had a little girl who looked just like me. And when he woke up, he thought that it was for real. I was still half asleep and did not give much response to him. But after I became more awake, I thought about it, and felt it was really funny. First thing to ask, who's the guy? Of course, it was a typical dream, and he did not see his face.
"But I beat him, cause he was not nice to you."
Hahaha! My little brother! I am thankful that even in his dreams, he is protective of me.
Thinking about this, I feel like it is more of a nightmare (to me). Imagine me having a little girl, who looks just like me! My gosh! How is that going to work out? It's funny and scary at the same time. Pity my brother did not see my "husband's" face, if not, I'd know who to look out for (or avoid). I am not ready for anything.
Thinking about changing diapers and doing the whole motherly thing, milk, crying, poo, mess. All these seem at conflict with my ideal lifestyle. I would like a self-sufficient, self-provident, self-entertaining, self-cleaning-up-their-own-mess baby, if I do have one. Oh I sound so selfish here! I've noticed I'm turning into one of those people who don't like babies/children. I mean they're fun to play with, but not fun to clean up after.
I am pretty much against the idea of marriage, in all it's entirety. Marriage seems like such a tiring business, looking at how things have turned out around me. Not for me. Nope! At least, not now.
p.s. I sound like a selfish creature now, but I'm sure my opinions about things will change in the future. You always end up with what you were totally against in the first place. Oops! (cross-fingers! cross-fingers!) Jie please don't claim this.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Missing Person
I find that I can't live without people. I can't live without my friends. This is so different from when I thought I could be an island, all alone. Having something and taking it for granted feels so much better than not having it and yearning for it. That's how humans are. We only want things we don't have, or can't get.Yes I'm selfish.
I try to fill up the time with other things. But it keeps bothering me that I have temporarily lost an avenue. I am so possessive.
Happens that I was just asking my Dad who he would give the house to, my sibling, or myself? I was thinking about it, and suddenly realised that if my brother got married and his wife decided to move it, I could not deal with that. I like my personal space. We do not get many visitors. I appreciate my current situation a great deal, I don't think I could invite another person to share my world with me. My home is my space, and my place of peace. My Dad said that as long as we are not married, we can still continue to live in this house. Great. But I still think that if my brother gets married, it would be a disaster for me. I had half a mind to tell my brother to never get involved in holy matrimony. That would mean a holy disaster for me. After I while, God spoke to me, and I realised that I was being selfish, that I should always love other people, and that change is really not a bad thing. Long story short, He is sovereign over everything, that includes every situation in my life. Nothing is bad for me, just a chance for me to learn and grow.
Sometimes I feel so unwilling. I feel like I've got myself into a situation that I cannot escape. God is sovereign, but sometimes I don't feel like obeying Him. However, I cannot deny His presence. He is still the Lord. He doesn't let me go, and thus He always reminds me of His presence, through little remarks. He's right beside me to give advice. I'm thankful that He does that often. I ask that He make me a better person, that I may love and obey Him. This is my fix, but I like it. I'm just unwilling to let me go, and embrace God.
Pray for me.
Friday, December 17, 2010
It is a quiet evening.I find there are different doors I can open. Each door conceals a different feeling that I get, from the things inside. It feels surreal; like a remote. I can control where I want to go. I can control if I want to feel. I can shut the door.
When I am in control, I feel vulnerable. Knowing that everything I have can be taken away from me. And would I survive then? If everything was stripped away, taken from me, then would I survive, just with You God?
If I want to be free from this capitalist world, can I be free? I set my sights on things above. When I do that, people think I'm crazy. They don't understand, but it doesn't matter to me. Why do I need new perspectives when I've already found the one I believe in. There is nothing else that matters.
If that detaches me from the world, do I lose my humanity? Then humanity is just something we are supposed to possess, from our history?
I think when I believe in God, I lose myself. Then it's alright! Everything makes sense. Great! I love working out thoughts typing. I seem to be more spontaneous than when I try to write.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Fly Away
Flying, flying, flying.Everyone's going somewhere. I'm going to miss people. I have my exams next week and after that, it's freedom! (albeit only for 3 weeks) I have cooking to do for Christmas. Very exciting! Christmas shopping. What I could do with 3 weeks! I still have to read my books during the holidays...
But I know everything's going to be alright, because the Lord is with me, and there is no obstacle that we cannot overcome together. Praise the Lord! Amen!