Sunday, November 21, 2010
Till I See You Face To Face
If you could feel how I feel.I feel so alive. I feel so filled with the Holy Spirit. I feel like it's a new beginning. I feel so thankful. I feel like my heart's going to explode! I am so excited I am shaking. I am so thankful for the people in my life. I am so glad that I know You Lord. I can't imagine life without You. I feel so filled! I am so full! I am smiling and crying tears of joy! I feel like I need to line everyone up in front of me and hand them a piece of love each. I could burst.
This is a fantastic day! Such an important day! One of the most important steps I could take in my life! I was running from it for so long. I knew I had to do something, but I continued to ignore it. This is so right. I stood up and I felt so light. A burden is gone, indecisiveness is gone. God is so good! The darkness is gone! God has overcome! He is triumphant! Nothing else matters anymore! So what if it's going to be hard? I want to make Your sacrifice for me count. Bless Pastor for that sermon! Thank You Lord! This is so incoherent. But I just want to announce, I have decided to progress in my relationship with God. Thank You God, thank you Jie! I love You, and I love you.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Humans are affectable beings.
Humans are affectable beings.For anyone who thinks that they are an island and stand alone, here's news. You're arn't and can't stand alone (even being unsociable and unaffected by everything is an effect of something else).
It's a dreary night. And I am laughing at myself as I type this right now.
dreary - dull, boring, sadness, gloom
laughter - from sources opposite of the above
I am laughing at myself for being so silly. First you might like to find out how I am contradicting myself here. I happen to be in a situation. I have to read dark, dark, dark, dark, dark dark books. These books don't help my mood, they only seem to frustrate me.
"Why is this guy so indecisive?! Can he get a life?! Just kill yourself! You're so uncool, have you never heard of facebook?!"
Well yes, Gordon Comstock in Orwell's Keep the Aspidistra Flying has indeed NEVER heard of facebook. Died before it was invented. And I'm reading The Trail by Franz Kafka now; I like Josef K., I just don't like how the story goes nowhere. WHAT IS HIS CRIME???!!!!!
Yes it's no use getting frustrated because, they are just books. Which is why I'm laughing at myself. I know I'll be done with it in no time (couple of days?), and then I'll look back and scoff at myself. What is the big deal when it'll be over and you'll move on to another book. Oh there is a big deal. The AGONY of reading.
Reading fiction in reality is quite strange. I feel feelings in reality, from fiction. I want to read only happy books, but they all went home and all the sad, angry books got left behind.
If The Trail was meant to frustrate and anger, and put murderous intent in people's minds, then thank you Kafka. I'm thinking how silly this will all sound when I'm done with the book. It's like my future self has come alongside my present self to do some scoffing in advance. Thanks a lot future self. Now go away.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
The Girl Who Has Everything
Hello!What a fantastic day it is! Praise God for everything.
You know, when I'm traveling between places, I think of so many things. It's obvious that I don't have a very good memory, because if I did, I would write everything that I remember, here.
So, some thoughts are lost, but what you see here makes it. Pretty much like how the farmer collects rice from the paddy field, some grains fall out along the way, some grains fall out when they get loaded into sacks, some fall out from the sacks on the truck on the way to the market, some grains... Yes, but they are not "lost". As long as I had those thoughts before, they impact me in a way, even if not consciously. So all is not "lost". How can it be?
Today I just want to say, that I am contented Lord. I have everything that I could ever need, or want for that matter. God, I am thankful for;
my meals
for my lectures
my time with you
the Holy Spirit
the big picture
my friends
loved ones
dinner with my mom
my brother
Jie
for my lectures
my time with you
the Holy Spirit
the big picture
my friends
loved ones
dinner with my mom
my brother
Jie
and, I am thankful Lord, that I am thankful. Thank you for filling my heart with gratitude when I could have been arrogant. I find myself a hard person to be with. Thank You for being with me. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for teaching me how to love. Thank You for our conversations. I can never express myself adequately in words.
I laugh because You are funny. I have such wonderful days. It is always a surprise when I find out what is planned for me today, most unexpected and what I need the most. Indeed You are God.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Denial and Non-movement
I am in a state of denial... OF EXERCISE!!!!I bought myself a bicycle, but I have not gone to Bukit Timah once. I am procrastinating all the time. I don't even go to the track by the canal. I should. I wanted to this morning. Then I looked out the window and saw the cloudy sky.
I'm thinking, that I should go cycling or running, whenever the day is beautiful. So if I see the sun out, I'll go.
Also, I am ignoring my books today. I have not read a single page. This is very convenient, considering that I can ignore the 8 books I have placed in a separate "to read" pile. Oh the guilt now as I am typing this!
My sleeping cycle is not normal. I slept at 3 last night. Actually I was tossing in bed from 2.30am. I think this was due to my sleeping at 7am the previous day. I had a very strange dream, that I was driving a taxi on a long road trip with lots of bends in the road. Very strange.
My life revolves around a few things.
Sleep -> Eat -> Read-> Go to school -> Eat -> Read-> Sleep
My only indulgences are;
1) Watching movies
2) Buying CDs
3) Looking at the computer screen (how is this an indulgence?! crossing this out!)
4) I can't think of another
I hope I don't have to have instant noodles for every other day of this week.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Bam! I've got a new blogskin!
I love romance! I love the idea of romance, not that I am being romanced, or in a state of love. Films play out our greatest desires and I like to observe those desires because our reactions reflect our inner thoughts and wants.I think this blogskin is so romantic because I remember the movie that it came from. We humans have a strange ability to associate things with other things. This skin invokes pleasure in me as I run through the film again in my mind (as do other primates). I remember the novel. In so many ways, this bildungsroman still tells the story of the present day. If this is a book about growing up, it's readers are still growing (in numbers and as people). One is never "grown". (!) I feel the need to put that exclamation mark there, because a sudden thought just flashed in my head, and I remember certain snobs who think that they've transcended and they have the right to scoff at younger people. If I describe them in the context of the title, pride. And prejudice, for having preconceived notions.
Suddenly, my conscience descends upon me. I remember my brother, and my attitude towards him. Not just him, but towards everyone around me too. Then, I am part of that group of snobs. Yes, the ones with the preconceived notions. So? What is the point of reading the novel if we are not rid of ourselves? The idea is, to read a novel about growing up, and to not grow up and out of those preconceived notions and self conceit. Oh my gosh! I have just proven why the human race is unredeemable!
1) We don't ever become better people because
2) If we "become" better people
3) We will again, have another set of preconceived ideas
4) We will never be rid of our vile selves
5) And since none of us are perfect or can resist the temptation of imposing prejudice
6) We shall be born and perish as selfish people
7) The most selfish people the world has ever known
8) Before the world realises that they too are the same selfish people by judging
9) Praise God for salvation!
Now this takes away a little of that pleasure I had in the beginning. This brings me face to face with reality. I really should be nicer to my brother. I really should grow like Elizabeth in the novel, into a better person. Oh but I've just disproved "growing"!
What a horrible state I am in! Proving and disproving myself. How does this relate to the blogskin I just put up? Well, read the previous lines. I have just took a train from html station to stop at the end of the rail of my thoughts. I can go no further. I must stop. There is no more track to be traveled ahead. Oh I wish I will meet someone like Darcy!
Monday, November 1, 2010
The Funeral
The Funeral
Sitting at a funeral
Listening to the banter
Of talk of the dead
I did not see his face
Though my heart aches
The ones living
The pain will take
Folding, folding
Deep red and gold
Trapped in their thinking
The people of old
Sitting at a funeral
Listening to the banter
Of talk of the dead
I did not see his face
Though my heart aches
The ones living
The pain will take
Folding, folding
Deep red and gold
Trapped in their thinking
The people of old