Friday, October 15, 2010
Let's be serious
The biggest place to explore is one's mind. I surprise myself. Honestly, I do. I come up with the most random things, I conceive the most elaborate (mostly unrealistic) plans in my mind and I tell others all about them. Only that the people I tell will, 99.9% of the time, not know what I am talking about. So I'm left alone, but there is still hope! There is this space! And so my mind will run wild...1) I can let myself go with some people because we have an understanding, but for some others, I can't, because we're still understanding each other.
2) Life is not life just as I know it. It is more, it is bigger than what I have thought of it. And thus, there are many other ways to live life. And there are so many options. I cannot begin to explain the directions of all the possibilities.
3) I'm grateful I'm studying in this program, because my eyes have been opened, and I see in more angles and perspectives than before.
4) That gives me a lot to think about. Because there's so much material, but only one mind. While processing, I am a little tempted, which brings me to;
5) With great power comes great responsibility. And so, with great knowledge comes great responsibility too. With so many options, and so many persons I could be, I need to choose wisely.
6) I'm considering God in my options. Would whatever I explore in my head, be in His plans for me. Will he disapprove?
7) I need to know what means the most to me. The importance of the people around me, and my love for them.
8) If I am so liberated and free, why am I still in a cage. It is so ironic. I should let go.
9) I should respect other people.
10) Like T. S. Eliot, I shall continue with life, even if bombs drop overhead, because it will all pass. And life will go on.
11) So now I have less despair and no worry, because in a sense, what is meant to be will be. So I want to trust God.
12) Which reminds me of the Calvinistic viewpoint I learnt about. But I object to half of that.
13) I'm moving towards the spiritual, away from the physical. Does it sound scary? Well it's not. It's true. To most people, I sound crazy. But learning that it doesn't matter, that the judge is not the world, but my Lord, that everybody can misunderstand, and it doesn't matter, because I don't care what they think. The only person's opinion that matter's is God's.
14) I am thankful for the peace in my heart. And I am not afraid.
15) If you've never felt peace and joy from your heart, then you're not there yet.
16) I want to save everyone. I need to. Because it is my duty here.
17) That means I have to have a big, big heart.
18) Sometimes it's hard, when I know the big picture, and I know where everyone's headed. But they don't know that. Sometimes wisdom invokes a heavy heart.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Touched by more than an angel
I've been doing so many things. So much going on. Okay more like I'm doing the same thing, just that it takes up so much time. Not thinking means this place becomes empty. But I try not to think so much. I'll just write down some of my thoughts and my situation these few days.1) I've not been able to smell or taste anything for two weeks. There are instances when I try real hard, when I sniff real hard and I get a little, just a little taste of what I'm eating or the smells around me.
2) God is good.
3) I miss everyone around me. Because reading means I disappear off the face of this earth.
4) How are you? I often wonder how everyone is. What are you doing now?
5) It feels good to cycle, at 4am, but I shall try not to get everyone worried. I know the scoldings are because I'm cared for. Thank you.
6) My mind seems to be composing parts of stories and just forming conversation. Not with me, but as if it's a part of a writing. Does reading more make my mind go into overdrive?
7) Always on my mind, the material I have to get through for this academic year.
8) To give is a joy, especially when I give to God.
9) I need to play my guitars and ukulele, my fingers are losing their hardened layer of skin
10) What will I do when I grow up? I know I'm older now, but when I'm older than older? I'm thinking of jobs, but, nothing.
11) I need to go to somewhere with a beautiful beach.
12) I miss my friends. (repeated because I miss them so much)
13) I want to have dinner with my parents.
14) I remember playing with erasers with different countries' flags on them when I was a kid. Abu Dhabi was a bad eraser? Germany was good? Flippity flip the erasers. Where are they now? Then I apply the history of the world. I was influenced by Western media and ideas. Manipulated as a child? Already?
15) My thoughts go in a circle, so did my conversation with A. The conclusion is that, we can never find the answers to this world.
16) There are other people like me? I thought nobody thought like I did or would appreciate my thoughts. We have interesting conversations. Didn't expect that.
17) I'm taking a leap, will You catch me?
18) I'm afraid, but I'm so strong because I'm not alone.
19) Someone pray for me.
20) I need to find Kinder Surprise, the one with the real chocolate egg and not the crap we get now.
So I give you, 20 thoughts for today! Of course there's much more going on in my head. But thoughts are sometimes like dreams you know? Just fleeting. And then my next thought is to think about what I just thought about.