Sunday, May 31, 2009
Ultimatum

As I'm scrolling through the internet, I read blogs and personal pages and look up profiles. I notice some of these sites or profiles, always come with a "warning", a message of self-defence or a proclamation of character and consequences. Different people give different "warnings". Some will tell you to piss off in your face, others speak of themselves as nice people who are nice to you when not offended.

It's a little unusual to me that people think that other people are gonna hurt them all the time if they don't put out defensive messages. When I click on a blog, sometimes the first thing I see is a warning to be nice or else, and a set of rules on what one can or cannot do in that person's online space. Why is everyone building walls made of self-thought theories and rules? How do you force yourself to live in such an environment? The idea to only be nice to a nice person is in itself, a funny thing. Doesn't the Bible say that we should love our enemies too? If everyone is so defensive, to the point of being offensive, we can't ask ourselves why the world is so cold and merciless. Because it starts from us.

That aside, I want to share something important. Today, I found my direction in life. I found the answer to the question everyone has been asking. The most important question that teachers and parents always have on their lips; what do I want to do in life? Well I've got it. I've finally nailed it. My answer? I want to live to honour my Father. I want to please Him through my actions and my work, through my thoughts and words, through my interactions with my family and friends. I want to give because He has given me. Now y'all may say, "that ain't an occupation like being a doctor or a teacher!" Yeah no it ain't! This is much cooler than that! It's a job for life!

Teachers, friends, everyone, stop asking and read this! This is who I am. I hope that in your heart, you have the same desire as me.

You are always in my prayers. Goodnight!

Friday, May 29, 2009
On a Lighter Note...

Today is one crazy day mashed together. I got a little pissed, got a little happy, got a little crazy, got a little bite from the laughing bug.

I'm saved everyday by two things, God and laughter. The God part y'all know. I can't reiterate how important laughter is. It's such a big part of my life. I laugh everyday. I laugh when it's ironic, when it's sickening, even when it's not funny to most people. I can just find something to laugh about in every little detail. Anyway, I just laugh everything off.

That's great for days like today when I feel like my day's ruined by one small thing, especially when something goes wrong in the morning. But right now, I'm feeling all smiley. I'm feeling great. I've gotten over the fact that my new Gibson high E string broke. I've gotten over the fact that I broke the salt shaker. I'm positive that my Mom won't kill me for that. That's something to smile about altogether.

Talking about smiling and laughter, I can't forget to talk about the Ellen Degeneres Show. It's my favourite show and it's my daily dose of humour, my salvation from the four walls of my room cause I don't go out much. It's really hilarious but some people around me don't get the joke. But it's alright, they got me. Right now, since I figure that everyone is in need of some entertainment, I shall tell a joke that I read online today.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Start of Something Exciting

You know when I was little, I used to write poems. Poems about my feelings, about things, about people. I can hardly remember exactly what I wrote now. I stopped when I was in my first years of secondary school. I think I should start again, because some things can only be summarised, expressed and represented in stanzas of sometimes, bombastic words.

My mother tells me this is a gift, that not many people can compose poems. Me? I just find that it just comes naturally but still, I'm thankful. If it's a gift, and I think it's a gift from God, I hope that this gift can be used to brighten days and provide some form of enjoyment to me and to everyone else.

With this mindset, I start again with my first this year.

Monday, May 25, 2009
What I Need To Do

I think it's very important to believe in yourself. Today my dad acted a little weird. He came into my room and asked me to think about what I wanted to do when I get older. I told him I have a plan, but he gave me the usual parent-is-concerned-about-your-future-so-you-better-take-life-seriously talk. Honestly, I regard it as just nagging. But as I think about it now, I believe he had good reason to talk to me. If he felt it wasn't important, he wouldn't have put his thoughts into words.

As school draws nearer, I begin to consider the reality of what I signed up for. Three whole years. That doesn't sound like a long time to study, but considering that I haven't been in school for more than a year now, that sounds a little daunting. But I'm excited. I have intensified my reading to prepare for the course. Literature sounds boring and I'm not a very patient person. But, I know that there will be lots of interesting things to look forward to, just like the book I'm reading now. I thought it'd be boring. I was wrong.

I know people expect things from me. I don't want to disappoint them. Now, the pressure is there and it'll only be even greater when I actually do start school. I feel a little afraid, a little cautious, anxious. I hope this is it for me, the correct course. My gut tells me it is. God in my thoughts tells me not to be afraid. He tells me he has plans for me. More than ever now, I have to believe Him. And I have to believe in myself.

These thoughts make me reminisce about the time when I had to retake my maths. When I found out I didn't pass the first time, I felt the world ended. It wasn't much of having no where to go, it was knowing that everyone had hoped for me and I had let them down. I didn't trust myself. The period when I was studying for the next maths paper, I was so lost, so afraid and so unsure. I didn't know if I could trust myself to pass. Those times were one of the downs for me. I felt that my parents had changed their opinions about me. Sometimes they would rub in the fact that I didn't pass. That topic became a way for personal attacks.

I was really messed up. I didn't like where my life was going. I didn't like the people that were part of it. I just didn't like anything and the worse part was, I didn't do anything about it. Now, I've proved to myself that I can do it. I've got God on my side. He will always be on my side. And because of that, right now, because He believe in me, I want to believe in myself even more. Because He is never wrong.

This evening, take care will you?

Wednesday, May 20, 2009
The three people talking

You know the phrase, "what does that voice in your head tell you...".

I have that voice. Three in fact. Me, God, the Devil.

I am completely sane. This might sound strange to a lot of people; to hear voices in your head. Science classifies it as a conscious and sub-conscious mind. I think they didn't get it right. These voices have always been in my head. It's just that now, more than ever, they are actively participating throughout the course of my day.

There are some commercials on the goggle box that actually play on these voices. You have the good guy, the bad guy, and you. It's similar. It's just that we (the three voices) don't debate on whether I should buy "that" car, or "that" bag on the tele. We debate about my actions, what I say, what I do, basically the entire time I'm awake, and sometimes when I'm asleep.

God, doesn't say the cliche holy stuff you always think he does. He can speak layman terms. Doesn't speak Singlish, but speaks my language. Me, my voice, will ask for guidance and help here. Sometimes he speaks to me immediately, sometimes it takes a little more time. Sometimes he doesn't speak at all, but he'll show me. This is the voice that reminds me of who I am, the person I want to be, the person he wants me to be, by his definition, not mine. This voice helps me to reflect on myself; after a quarrel, after using some harsh words, after the Devil speaks through me. This is the voice that makes me repent.

The Devil. This voice is exactly as it's name suggests. This voice speaks through me when I'm angry, to say hurtful things. To accuse and reprimand. To yell and shout untruths. All the vile things come from this voice. This voice is also the reason why the world is so frustrated with everyone, so angry. See, this voice can be very powerful and difficult to keep in check. I lose control at times. Some people listen to it all the time. It makes you feel guilty. It accuses you even if you have done no wrong. It plays on your fears and it can make one a very unpleasant person.

My voice is the sound that comes out after going through the comments of the former voices. I debate in my head with the former two too because this is my own character. This voice is very affected by God and the Devil. But, this is the same voice that is determined to try not to give in to the Devil.

My entire thought process is consisted of these. It seems a little crazy compared to Science's very rational and logical explanation. The reason for this is because, you can't explain God and the Devil. Science doesn't even believe in heaven or hell. But really, it doesn't matter to me how other people think (no pun intended). Maybe they've got things to say about this post. Maybe they have a different thought process altogether. Maybe they still think I'm nuts.

Saturday, May 16, 2009
Society's Definition

I tried not to talk about this topic from an early stage. But, I think it will be even more relevant tomorrow in the future.

Just a couple days ago, I was walking toward a bus stop to wait for my transport. I saw this elderly man in the distance. He looked normal to me at first but when he turned, in the dim lamplight I could see a huge bulge protruding from his face. I carried on walking and I tried not to glance at him so as not to make him feel uncomfortable. I sat down on the seat and I noticed a few ladies walking toward the bus stop also saw him. But luckily, they didn't stare. They just took a few glances and acted nonchalant. I was secretly glad for that man. He already had enough on his plate. He didn't need more negative attitudes and remarks. Sitting there, I chided myself silently for being judgemental.

I have always tried to keep myself away from the worse traits of society. I often slip, no matter how hard I try. I define that as corruption. There are many things today that encourage these traits. Take beauty contests for instance. The search to find a "beauty with brains", the "one who has it all". They put a bunch of people in front of a "panel of judges". They come up with a winner.

Let me tell you people, there is no such thing as having it all. You can never have it all. We all have some, but we don't have it all. And who gives the "judges" the right to judge? Its funny to see all those people strut around and another group of people commenting when I know that only God can judge. All these is made worse by the constant promotion of these contests by the media, which we all know, is a very powerful tool.

Everyone seems to try to make the world a better place. Push for peace, harmony, equality. But all these efforts are futile. We ask ourselves why other people judge us. We don't like it. But yet, we're encouraging that exact behaviour in ways we sometimes don't even realise.

My brow creases whenever I think of these things happening so rampantly everywhere. It makes me angry knowing that we live in such a corrupted society. I really do not like the way the world is going. One day we're going to hit a wall. And its going to happen soon.

Now I know why grown-ups tell each other that they wish that everything can be as simple as kindergarten. The kids didn't judge one another. Regardless of appearance and race, we were all friends. I think that if we don't like our environment this much, we should do something about it. And it's simple. If we all make an effort, that man at the bus stop wouldn't feel like an outcast. He wouldn't be self-consciously pacing with his head down and counting and re-counting the coins in his palm.

Friday, May 15, 2009
I'm Online

Hey y'all!

I had a pleasant surprise when I logged into MSN earlier. Someone added me into a mass conversation with some of my primary six classmates. It was nice to catch up, though I wasn't doing much of the talking. All these years we never communicated. The only thing was, I forgot about a lot of them. I was desperately trying to match names with faces and vice-versa.

The best part probably, was looking at an old class photo and feeling the excitement when I do recognise them and remember their names. It seemed like really long ago. I can't even remember what I was doing back then. It all seems like a dream now; like I was sleeping back then and was not really aware of everyone or anything around me.

I guess that's called "forgetting" in our society. Well, we've all grown up now. I think it'll be fun to find out where all the people I know went to. So, right now, I'm re-signing up for facebook. The "re" part is a long story.

Technology can be both a bonus and a bane. I'm trying to re-connect with my friends online. But facebook had to throw a wrench in the works. I'm trying to get it out now.

I tried to put off re-signing up for facebook. But, looks like I can't wait anymore. I don't want to forget anymore.

Monday, May 11, 2009
Things I Miss Doing

Hi guys!

I was just looking through my old pictures and stuff. I thought I'd show y'all some stuff I'd like to do again. Recently, I have been just; not doing much. It's been me turning on the computer all day and I'm just really tired of just lying around. I've been occupied by the internet so I haven't been thinking much. Explains the crazy post before and the lack of more thoughtful posts.

Anyway, these are real good memories that I wish to relive and I think that's healthier than staring at a screen.

Thursday, May 7, 2009
Humour

Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Thrust and Trust

Today I submitted some documents to Stansfield. I thought about what I'd been through these last years. All the triumphs, the happy, the sad, and the down and out.

I say this whenever people ask me how I feel about my next step in education, university. I feel terrified and nervous, yet excited. Sometimes I have negative thoughts; all the what-ifs. Like any other local kid, I grow up in the fast-paced, chaotic and kiasu environment that is Singapore. So fast that so many things happen in a split-second, sometimes you don't even realise it. We demand more. We want fast, we want accurate, we settle for nothing less than excellence. The chaos comes in here. People who get confused, they can't move fast enough and have no clue about what's happening. Kiasuism, a term that can only be coined by Singaporeans. We don't want to be left behind. We want to be first. First in queue, in rankings, in class, in the world. I think this is the result of the Government's constant effort of encouraging its people to do well in everything and the idealogy of "The early bird catches the worm." It makes us improve, but it also backfires in a sense.

From my clearer memories when I grew older, I remember that when I entered secondary school, the teachers always told us not to play around because our "O"s would come sooner than expected. Even before my "O" levels, we had to face being split into different classes according to our academic performance. The first two years were fine. But we all had to split up for the third year. I played a lot. I certainly didn't study as much. That was the period when I knew the final exams were looming. You could tell because many third, fourth and fifth year students stayed back late to do group study.

I recall I would walk past them and feel strangely calm. It was like my brain was numbed from all the panic and stress. Of course the real panic only came a couple months before the "O"s. But right then, I still didn't know what I wanted to do. There was the constant talk of the poly courses available and the JCs to choose. The school arranged career seminars and I went for some poly open houses. But I was so unsure. It felt like I was going to be thrown out into the "real" world, away from my sheltered life and comfort zone. The worst feeling was, what if I had no place to go?

Then, I felt lost. Everyone around had their goals, what they wanted to do in life, or at least which course they wanted. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do in life. I was only 16. How can you ask a kid what they wanted to do from now till say 60? It felt insane. I was worried and everyone had expectations for me.

But today, I have a different mindset. Today I know that I can trust Him. And He has a plan for me. I'm not worried, I don't think of what I will do in future. My life is in His hands. I believe I am in Stansfield because it is his plan. I know that He will provide for me in future. He will guide me and prosper me. If He can provide for and clothe the flowers in the fields in their magnificent colours, how much more can he do for me?

Friday, May 1, 2009
Forgoing my comfort zone