Thursday, February 24, 2011
The Godly Update
I have so much to say, I don't know where to start. But let me try...It's been a while. Everyday brings me closer to my exams in May. I'm sitting for my mocks now and it's not been easy. I'm feeling fear and paranoia. A lot of "what ifs", afraid that I'll forget what I'm supposed to remember. It feels different than before. Before I was confident, now I'm just trying my best and praying everyday. And I'm not going to think of failing, because even thinking of it is a kind of confirmation.
Walking with God has not been easy. You know the funny thing is, it's so easy to accept Him, but later you find out that you have a purpose in life, and you have to carry out that mission. It's not a bad thing, but it's hard, and we all know we tend to back away from the difficult things in life. Of course, nothing can stand against us, but sometimes I forget that and I let fear creep in. But I'm going to continue praying. That is my resistance, that is my strength. I should be feeling burdened, but I'm smiling as I type this. THIS, is the grace of God. Living my life for Him also means that I have to embrace things that I didn't like before. It's amazing how God can change a person. I'm proud to say that He's my Father. I am always reminded to love the people around me, even those whom I dislike or find strange. Believe me, it's awkward. I don't know how to do it, I don't know what to do, but God is good. He takes over. He is in control. Now I don't reject people. Now I try to put myself into their shoes, find out what's wrong, and if they need help. Maybe you don't understand, I feel inclined to do so. If my God has not yet rejected or judged anyone, how can I then reject anyone and cast the first stone?
So God is good. Even in a period of dryness, when I feel less of Him, when I feel tired, I know that I can call on Him to save me. Seeing people around me grow up, I begin to encounter more adult issues. It's funny how you go from talking about the childish things to relationships with the same group of friends from school. I really am growing up too fast. Did I ever mention? That my dream is to be Peter Pan?
So growing up physically, and in Christ, makes me care more about the people I disregarded when I was younger. So inevitably, my prayers get longer, and longer. Everyday, 90% of my prayers go to asking God for things, instead of praising Him for all that He has done. But He is so good, truly truly good. I've known Him my whole life, but I never ever had Him in my heart. Ever since I was a kid, I went to church, I grew up in a Catholic school where we prayed three times a day, but I never knew God as my Father. I knew Him as God the Almighty, it was never like how it is now, feeling different when I speak to Him. When I feel alone, I know He is always there for me. When giving pieces of myself to other people is so tiring, He is always there to hold me together. I always tell Him, that everything of me that I can give away, was first given to me by Him. So there is no excuse, and no tiredness, because I have an infinite and eternal source.
Sometimes you get so used to having something, you take it for granted. I pray everyday that I may wake with a grateful heart, to praise the new day, and all that He is doing for me. And I praise Him, because this entry is reminding me of how much I have changed through Christ. I am glad that I can forsake myself and let the light of Jesus shine through me.
Mr Darcy: You have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you.
7:04 PM.
7:04 PM.